


Disaster Emblem: Three Messes

by kryptid_with_a_k



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Gen, Pre-Timeskip | Academy Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-11-08 16:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 34,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20838866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kryptid_with_a_k/pseuds/kryptid_with_a_k
Summary: Rated T for ridiculous amounts of swearing.Claude von Riegan is online.Claude von Riegan has changed Lysithea von Ordelia's name to Actually, I'm Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up.Actually, I'm Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up is online.Actually, I'm Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up: claude what the hecc is thisIt's exactly what you think it is.





	1. Golden Deer but what's happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hewwo what is happening here

**Claude von Riegan is online.**

**Claude von Riegan has added** **Marianne von Edmund**, **Hilda Valentin Goneril, Ignatz Victor, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Lysithea von Ordelia, Raphael Kirsten, and Leonie Pinelli to Golden Deer Group Chat :).**

**Claude von Riegan has changed Hilda Valentin Goneril’s name to lazy ass hoe.**

**Claude von Riegan has changed Marianne von Edmund’s name to equestria girls but gay.**

**Claude von Riegan has changed Lysithea von Ordelia’s name to Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up.**

**Claude von Riegan has changed Leonie Pinelli’s name to Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie.**

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up is online.**

**Claude von Riegan has changed Ignatz Victor’s name to Van Gogh but two ears.**

**Claude von Riegan has changed Lorenz Hellman Gloucester’s name to mimimimi- AHEM.**

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up: **claude what the hecc is this

**Claude von Riegan has changed Raphael Kirsten’s name to Be There or Square Up.**

**Claude von Riegan: **an idea i shouldve come up with long ago

**Claude von Riegan**: ah shit my name bros

**Claude von Riegan has changed Claude von Riegan’s name to Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **perfect

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up: **claude you didn’t answer my question

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **lysithea chill out omg

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up: **no, tell me wtf is going on here

**equestria girls but gay is online.**

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**lazy ass hoe: **claude bro dude buddy literally wtf

**equestria girls but gay: **h,hilda what’s,,, going on h.here? ?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **i figured id make a group chat 4 all of us 2 talk or smth idk

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie is online.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie: **Claude we didnt need this wth no one needed this

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie: ** Also my name is garbage and i wanna get it changed _ @Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha _ change it bitch

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** no

**lazy ass hoe: **claude why did you make all of our names so terriblw

**lazy ass hoe: **terriblr*

**lazy ass hoe:** terrible*

**lazy ass hoe: **goddammit

**equestria girls but gay:** iit’s ok hild,a u tried ur bes.t! ! !

**lazy ass hoe: **thx bby <3 

**equestria girls but gay:** um.. my fon,t is off. . isthat a heart

**lazy ass hoe:** yes

**equestria girls but gay:** hiLda,,, u rlly don.t have to

**lazy ass hoe:** yes its legally required for me to love you

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **alright lesbians stop pls it hurts my single sad heart

**lazy ass hoe: **no let me be happy

**lazy ass hoe: **also im bi so fuckyou

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** You guys are all mushy and i hate you 

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **single gang gang

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up: **for once, i agree with claude single gang gang

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** single gang gang 

**lazy ass hoe: **honestly i hate when you guys do this but im fine with it as long as none of this is directed towards Marianne bcuz if it is i can and will kill you

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **o no id never tho

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up:** the one thing all of us can agree on is that were legally obligated to protect Marianne

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** tea

**mimimimi- AHEM is online.**

**mimimimi- AHEM:** I heard tea, so I was summoned.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **that ability is both impressive yet terrifying

**mimimimi- AHEM: **So what is there to discuss about tea? As you may know, I am a tea fficionado.

**mimimimi- AHEM: ***Afficionado

**lazy ass hoe: **lmao fficionado

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Leader of the fish

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck up: **fish man lorenz

**mimimimi- AHEM: **Please stop.

**Haha no don’t die you’re too sexy aha has changed mimimimi- AHEM’s name to fish man lorenz.**

**fish man lorenz: **Why have you forsaken me?

**equestria girls but gay: **d,doesnt the proff.esor like fishing ?? ?

**lazy ass hoe:** claude did you name the professor

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** omg no i didnt ah fuck lemme go find them

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just... self indulgemt


	2. Black Eagles but probably on crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's still exactly what you think, but this time it's the Black Eagles

**Edelgard von Hresvelg is online.**

**Edelgard von Hresvelg has added Hubert von Vestra, Dorothea Arnault, Petra Macneary, Caspar von Bergliez, Bernadetta von Varley, Linhardt von Hevring, and Ferdinand von Aegir to Black Eagles Strategy.**

**Edelgard von Hresvelg: **Hello everyone. Here is a group so we can discuss strategy, tactics, and the like with each other.

**Edelgard von Hresvelg: **Claude gave me some ideas for names, and they are quite humorous, so I am going to change them once you are online.

**Hubert von Vestra is online.**

**Hubert von Vestra: **Lady Edelgard, I see your idea of a group chat has come to fruition.

**Edelgard von Hresvelg has given Hubert von Vestra administrator permissions.**

**Edelgard von Hresvelg has changed Hubert von Vestra’s name to Enderman.**

**Enderman: **My lady, I would never think to doubt you, yet this name seems to have connotations to Minecraft I’d rather it didn’t have. 

**Edelgard von Hresvelg has changed Edelgard von Hresvelg’s name to Edgelord von BITCH.**

**Enderman: **If Claude does actually think you are one of those mangy mutts, I will kill him with no remorse.

**Edgelord von BITCH:** Oh, no! Hubert, Claude merely said it would add character and would be ironic and funny. Neither of us think that I am a bitch.

**Ferdinand von Aegir is online.**

**Ferdinand von Aegir: **Bitch

**Enderman: **I will kill you, Ferdinand. How dare you insult my lady?

**Ferdinand von Aegir:** I am merely joking, Hubert. However, I will fight her myself, for we have yet to prove who is stronger.

**Dorothea Arnault is online.**

**Dorothea Arnault:** girls, girls, youre both pretty omg stop it

**Edgelord von BITCH:** Welcome, everyone. I’m going to change your names now, if that is okay.

**Edgelord von BITCH has changed Ferdinand von Aegir’s name to Ferdiefetch’d.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** edelgard what the fuck this is too far

**Edgelord von BITCH has changed Dorothea Arnault’s name to Hot Thot.**

**Hot Thot: **edie hunny im only a thot for my gf

**Petra Macneary is online.**

**Hot Thot:** speak of an angel here she is hi sweetie baby honey i love you

**Petra Macneary: **Hello, lovely Dorothea, and hello, everyone! I am having difficulties with my cellular phone, but I am having… I mean, I am sure that Dorothea would be willing to help me out with this.

**Hot Thot:** anyting for u bb

**Edgelord von BITCH has changed Petra Macneary’s name to I am Confusion**

**I am Confusion:** This name does indeed cause confusion.

**Hot Thot:** lmao edie u got these from claude

**Edgelord von BITCH:** Yes, I did. They seem to be quite humorous, so I will be keeping them for the time being.

**Hot Thot:** these are golden

**I am Confusion:** I am not yet having understanding. Dorothea, why do these names make you have the feeling of… er, make you joyous?

**Hot Thot: **theyre just excellent

**Caspar von Bergliez is online.**

**Caspar von Bergliez:** EDELGARD DUDE WTF

**Caspar von Bergliez:** ah shit my caps lock was on sorry ill just break his kneecaps

**Hot Thot: **bold of you to assume that caps lock is a male

**Caspar von Bergliez: **bold of you to assume i give a shit

**Edgelord von BITCH has changed Caspar von Bergliez’s name to your nico nico kneecaps hand em over.**

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: **what the hell edelgard this name sucks ass

**Hot Thot:** the only thing that sucks ass here is you

**Ferdiefetch’d: **That was such a good burn I need to use burn cream for that

**Enderman:** Speaking of Linhardt, where is he?

**Linhardt von Hevring is online.**

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: **hey linhardt what up

**Linhardt von Hevring:** caspar did you go to the seminar today

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: **it was about brawling so yeah i had to go

**Linhardt von Hevring:** lit i didnt even miss anything important 

**Edgelord von BITCH has changed Linhardt von Hevring’s name to sleepy time bitch hoe.**

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** not wrong lmao

**Bernadetta von Varley is online.**

**Bernadetta von Varley: **whhats going on here????

**Edgelord von BITCH has changed Bernadetta von Varley’s name to Mom come pick me up im scared.**

**Mom come pick me up im scared: **srsly tth o?? whts happenng

**Edgelord von BITCH:** Hello, Bernadetta. I have decided to add all of the members of the Black Eagles house to a group chat so we can discuss strategy and the like amongst each other.

**Enderman:** Hello, Bernadetta.

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** huubert omg bhdfuhdsfjdhnfd pls edosnt hryut me

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: **hubert stop bullying bernie

**Enderman: **I didn’t even say anything, Caspar.

**Ferdiefetch’d: **Hubert is actually right, he just said hi lmao

**Edgelord von BITCH:** Hubert, for Bernadetta’s sake, please refrain from speaking. I must assume that she feels safer when you are not present or are not speaking directly towards her.

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** thaanlks edelgarf

**Ferdiefetch’d: **EDELGARF

**Hot Thot:** EDELGARF

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: **EDELGARF

**Edgelord von BITCH: **I am imploring you, please stop this.

**Enderman has changed Edgelord von BITCH’s name to EDELGARF.**

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** 911 theres been a murder omfg

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** hubert turned on edelgard omg lmao

  
**EDELGARF:** I hate this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is still... self indulgent


	3. Blue Lions but Sylvain has too much power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Definitely exactly what you think it is, but with the Blue Lions

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha has added Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, Dedue Molinaro, Annette Fantine Dominic, Ashe Ubert, Sylvain Jose Gautier, Mercedes von Martritz, Ingrid Brandl Galatea, and Felix Hugo Fraldarius to Blue Lions Rawr XD.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy has changed Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd’s name to String Cheese.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy has changed Dedue Molinaro’s name to Dedue date was today??? :O.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha has changed Annette Fantine Dominic’s name to Babey 1.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha has changed Mercedes von Martritz’s name to Mercedes Benz.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha has changed Sylvain Jose Gautier’s name to i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **shit claude that’s a long ass name how long did it take you to type it lmao

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** it took me way too long ngl lol

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** need some help with these names?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** be my guest

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha has given i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* administrator permissions.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* has changed Ashe Ubert’s name to Babey 2.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* has changed Ingrid Brandl Galatea’s name to CEO of Racism.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* has changed Felix Hugo Fraldarius’s name to ANGERY GAY.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **thats a good one sylvain lmao

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **thank you claude this is beautiful

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** cool im boutta head out then so you guys can be blue lions by yourselves lmao ;)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: ** see ya dude

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha has left Blue Lions Rawr XD.**

**ANGERY GAY** ** is online.**

**ANGERY GAY:** Sylvain what the fuck is this

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **bro i didnt make this claude did

**String Cheese is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** oh dimitri boyo is online sup fam

**String Cheese:** I do not like this name. Sylvain, please change it. Claude only gave you the administrator permissions.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **nah its funny lmao your hair kinda looks like it i guess

**String Cheese:** Sylvain, please. For your house leader.

**ANGERY GAY:** Bitch dont change it this is hysterical

**String Cheese:** Please, Felix.

**ANGERY GAY: **Milord String Cheese

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** yeah no sorry dimitri this is too fucking funny lololol

**String Cheese:** Sylvain, I can’t believe you’ve done this.

**ANGERY GAY:** Did you just reference a vine

**String Cheese:** What is a vine?

**Babey 1 is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** OMG DIMITRI DOESNT KNOW WHAT A VINE IS JDJHFHFJDJHD

**Babey 1:** What’s going on? 

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** hi annette dimitri doesnt know what a vine is

**Babey 1:** I figured, but how did this happen?

**Babey 1:** And who added me here?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** lmao that was claude

**ANGERY GAY: **Dimitri still doesnt know what a vine is 

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** someone link one

**Babey 1:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEPwfliNn2s>

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** annette which vine is that lol

**Babey 1:** The one with the little girl at the beach and she can’t swim

**Babey 1:** Happy birthday Raven!

**ANGERY GAY: **I cant swim

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** :’) this is beautiful

**String Cheese:** I clicked the link, and still do not have a clue why this is funny.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **someone explain to Dimitri why vines are funny

**Mercedes Benz is online.**

**Mercedes Benz:** Hey guys, what’s up? :)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** mercedes explain to dimitri why vines are funny

**Mercedes Benz:** Oh, Dimitri, you’re so silly! Vines are like the inside joke of the internet, so people find it funny because they all get it! Not to mention that some of these are innately funny. ;)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** damn mercedes you out here explaining it normally and everything lmao

**Mercedes Benz:** No problem, Sylvain! :)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** urgh fatality mercedes is too pure goddammit annette how did you get so lucky

**Babey 1:** I’ve known her for a while Sylvain lol honestly I’m really lucky to have landed her myself <3

**Mercedes Benz:** Aw, I love you too, Annie! :))))))

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** jdhjfhkjdshfkjd i wish i had a boyfriend or a girlfriend or something living that loved and respected me

**String Cheese:** Sylvain, don’t you have Felix?

**ANGERY GAY:** Id hardly agree with that statement i dont really plan on dating sylvain until he stops being a womanizer

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** im not a womanizer im a ladies man

**ANGERY GAY:** They mean the exact same thing you dumbass

**Mercedes Benz: **Our society is inherently that of a man’s world, implying that women are just objects to be played around with and discarded whenever a man gets bored of her. Sylvain, I understand your motives and your thoughts, but please be careful when talking to women or about women like this. :)

**ANGERY GAY:** Mercedes that was such a passive aggressive smiley face omg

**Babey 1:** I’m so proud of you, Mercie, but that really was passive aggressive oml

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **im scared for my life

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** also why do you put some sort of smiley face next to everything

**Babey 2 is online.**

**Mercedes Benz:** I’m not quite sure, Sylvain! I think maybe the smiley face will make other people smile when they see it! :)

**Babey 2: **Hello everyone! 

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** hi ashe sup fam

**Babey 2:** I’m doing well, thanks.

**Babey 1:** Hi Ashe!

**Babey 2:** Why are our names so similar? I’m going to get confused, haha

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** that was my bad i made Ashe’s name but claude named annette babey 1 implying that there was supposed to be a second one

**Mercedes Benz:** It’s okay, Sylvain! Annie and Ashe are distinct enough so that we can all tell anyway! :)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** fatailty mercedes is too pure

**Babey 1: **Mercie, you always brighten my day, especially when you say stuff like that <3

**Mercedes Benz:** Annie, you flatter me! :*)

**CEO of Racism is online.**

**CEO of Racism:** What on earth why is this my name Sylvain you fuckrr

**CEO of Racism: **I can’t believe I misspelled fucker

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** lmao because its true okay you were totally all sicko mode on dedue just because hes from duscur calm down bitch geez

**CEO of Racism:** I hate this

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **now that all of the blue lions girls and felix are here, it’s time

**Babey 1:** Time for what?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** B O Y F R I E ND T I M E

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**ANGERY GAY: **Oh no

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Babey 1:** Sylvain, why are you tagging us in every message oml

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**CEO of Racism:** Please stop

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boy _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**ANGERY GAY: **Maybe if we let him finish itll be over faster so everybody shut the fuck up so he can get thru the entire song

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Have you ever had the feeling you're drawn to someone? Yeah _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Babey 2: **I know we were supposed to shut up, but why are you sending it message by message? _@i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **And it isn't anything they could've said or done _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **_@Babey 2_ its funnier when it lasts much longer

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **And every day I see you on your own _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** And I can’t believe that you’re alone _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** But I overheard your girls and this is what they said _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**ANGERY GAY:** I wish someone else had admin perms so we could fucking not get spammed imma slap him

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Looking for a, looking for a _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **That you’re looking for a boyfriend, I see that _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Give me time, you know, I’m gonna be there _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Don’t be scared to come, put your trust in me _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Can’t you see all I really want to be _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Is your boyfriend, can’t fight that _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Let me down, you know, I’m coming right back _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** I don’t care at all what you done before _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Dedue date was today??? :O is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **All I really want is to be your _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Dedue date was today??? :O: **Hello, everyone. I’m not quite certain how we all got added here, but now we can discuss issues within our house. Your Highness, how are you doing today?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**String Cheese: **I am doing well, Dedue. How are you doing today?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**ANGERY GAY: **Sylvain wat the fuck why are you tagging me with the girls

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** because its funny lol

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** I’m doing much better now that we have been able to speak, Your Highness.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Let me take a little moment to find the right words _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Dedue date was today??? :O: **Dare I ask what is happening, Your Highness?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** (To find the right words) _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **So when I kick it to you it ain't something that you've heard _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** (Something that you've heard) _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**String Cheese:** We are letting Sylvain finish his song lyrics. They are quite long, in my opinion.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** I don't know what kind of guy that you prefer _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**ANGERY GAY:** Youre not tagging Ashe Dimitri or Dedue tho

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **But I know I gotta put myself forwards _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** its so much funnier seeing you squirm lol the others wouldnt react nearly as loudly as this

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** See I think got the kind of love that you deserve and I heard that _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** You're looking for a boyfriend, I see that _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Give me time, you know, I’m gonna be there _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Don’t be scared to come, put your trust in me _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Can’t you see all I really want to be _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Is your boyfriend, can’t fight that _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Babey 2:** I’m not going to lie, this is quite painful

**ANGERY GAY: **It really is and i hate that

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Let me down, you know, I’m coming right back _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** I don’t care at all what you done before _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** All I really want is to be your

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boy _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** If you tell me where, I'm waiting here _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Every day like Slumdog Millionaire _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Bigger than the Twilight love affair _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** I’ll be here girl, I swear _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** Looking for a, looking for a _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **That you're looking for a boyfriend, I see that _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Give me time, you know, I'm gonna be there _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Don't be scared to come, put your trust in me _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Can't you see all I really want to be _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: ** _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Let me down, you know, I'm coming right back _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **I don't care at all what you done before _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **All I really want is to be your _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: (**Your boyfriend) _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: (**Your boyfriend) _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: (**All I really want is to be your) _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boy _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** (Ohhh) _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Sylvain, why did you give the word “ohhh” its own message when the word is four letters long? You could save room by just putting it with the next line.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** dedue i do it because i need to drag this out for as long as possible

**CEO of Racism:** This has alreayd gone on for way too long

**CEO of Racism:** Oh goddammit my spell check is just not up to par today

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **(Yeah, yeah, yeah) _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **All I really want is to be your _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boy _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **Your boy, boy, b-b-boy, b-b-boyfriend _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **All I really want is to be your _@Mercedes Benz @Babey 1 @CEO of Racism @ANGERY GAY_

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** its done guys thank you

**ANGERY GAY:** Oh thank god jesus christ that lasted way too fucking long

**CEO of Racism:** That was so long, and the joke wasn’t even funny to me, it was just boring

**Babey 1:** You took so long typing that entire thing that Mercie fell asleep

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** youre kidding me lmao

**Babey 1:** No, I’m not. I’m with her right now. She’s fast asleep on my lap.

**Babey 2:** That’s so sweet, Annette!

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** why cant i get a fucking partner omg jjdjskjjsljd

**ANGERY GAY:** Its because youre a womanizer you hoe

  
**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** goddammit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s e l f ... i n d u l g e n t


	4. House Leaders Gang Gang Gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The house leaders doing exactly what you think.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha has added EDELGARF, String Cheese, lazy ass hoe, Dedue date was today??? :O, and Enderman to House Leaders Gang Gang.**

**EDELGARF is online.**

**EDELGARF:** Claude, you have way too much power.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** lmao everyone can make groups, but i keep making them bcuz no 1 else will 

**EDELGARF:** Why did you make another group though?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** haha did you read the group title

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** for the house leaders dude

**EDELGARF: **Okay, I see your point.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** bro why is your name edelgarf

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** r u garfield or smth

**EDELGARF:** It’s a long story.

**Enderman is online.**

**Enderman: **Bernadetta misspelled Lady Edelgard’s name. I was simply changing her name to reflect the humor of the group chat.

**EDELGARF:** I don’t see what was so interesting about that typo. Was it really that funny?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** it sounds funny lmao im just imagining garfield’s face on edelgard

**String Cheese is online.**

**String Cheese: **Hello, everyone. I see Claude is up to more shenanigans.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** theyre not shenanigans i made a group so the house leaders can talk

**String Cheese:** Could we not just convene in person?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** what if i have to take a piss and theres some important house leader stuff going on

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** i can still be there if we use the group chat

**EDELGARF: **I never want to hear you talking about urinating ever again.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** lmao you said urinating

**EDELGARF:** It’s better than saying “pissing,” okay. Claude, you better watch yourself because I’m not afraid to destroy you.

**String Cheese:** Last I checked, we need Claude to run the Golden Deer house. Who would run it in his stead?

**EDELGARF:** If it really did come to it, I would take over the Golden Deer.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** edelgard pls no i love my house id rather not get destroyed

**EDELGARF:** You’re on thin ice, Claude. Do not test me again, and if you dare to mention crass things like urinating again, I will not hesitate to destroy you.

**EDELGARF:** And by destroy you, I mean maybe change your name in a new group chat.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** why would we need another group chat

**EDELGARF:** Maybe it could help build relationships between the houses. I could make a chat with all of the members of each house.

**String Cheese:** That could be a good idea, Edelgard.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** that sounds just chaotic enough to be something i enjoy

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** want me to make it

**EDELGARF:** I will. Just remember to play it safe Claude.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **or what

**Enderman:** Then you will be answering to me, Claude.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** okay yes understood go ahead edelgard please hubert dont kill me im too sexy to die

**Enderman:** I’d hardly call you sexy.

**EDELGARF:** I’m going to make the group chat now.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy:** see ya

**EDELGARF is offline.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** hubert please dont kill me

**Enderman:** If my lady wishes it, I will not hesitate to.

  
**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this chapter is a bit short but the next ones are chaos


	5. 24 Children Commit Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 24 screaming children doing exactly what you'd expect

**EDELGARF is online.**

**EDELGARF has added Enderman, Hot Thot, I am Confusion, Mom come pick me up im scared, your nico nico kneecaps hand em over, sleepy time bitch hoe, Ferdiefetch’d, String Cheese, Dedue date was today??? :O, CEO of Racism, Mercedes Benz, Babey 1, Babey 2, i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*, ANGERY GAY, Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha, lazy ass hoe, equestria girls but gay, Van Gogh but two ears, Be There or Square Up, Actually, I’m Twelve so Shut the Fuck Up, Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my had, boogie woogie woogie, and fish man lorenz to This was a bad idea i regret this.**

**EDELGARF:** I already regret this. There are too many people here.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** what the hell there are 24 screaming children in this group chat edelgard this was not a good idea why did i condone this

**EDELGARF:** I really don’t know why I thought this was a good idea. This seems to be my error.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha: **id delete this but it seems too chaotic for me to leave and miss all this lol

**Be There or Square Up is online.**

**Be There or Square Up: **HEYA CLAUDE HI EDELGARD WHAT’S GOING ON :D

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** sup raphael where were u when i made the chat

**Be There or Square Up:** I WAS BUSY TRAINING AND THEN I ATE SOME CHICKEN, IT’S ALL GOOD

**Van Gogh but two ears is online.**

**Van Gogh but two ears:** Hey everyone, what’s going on?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** edelgard just made the biggest mistake of her entire life lmAo

**Van Gogh but two ears:** I do have to admit, making a chat with all of us doesn’t really seem like the best idea.

**EDELGARF:** Well, my apologies. I hoped that this group could help build relationships between the houses. It seems that making such a large chat was a critical lapse in my judgement.

**Be There or Square Up:** HI IGNATZ!!!!!!

**Van Gogh but two ears:** Hello, Raphael! Are you stuck on caps lock again?

**Be There or Square Up: **YES BUT IT’S OKAY NOW I CAN SOUND SUPER EXCITED OR SOMETHING I GUESS :D

**Van Gogh but two ears:** That’s a great way to look at it, Raphael. What did I miss, Claude?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** too much if you ask me

**Van Gogh but two ears: **Do I want to know?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** edelgard’s name got spelled wrong so now she’s edelgarf, and lorenz is a fish, and idk about the blue lions but they prob had some chaos over there too 

**Babey 2 is online.**

**Babey 2:** Oh, there was definitely chaos in our group.

**EDELGARF:** I can get a good grasp of who most of you are thanks to your typing styles, but I have to admit that I don’t quite know who Babey 2 is.

**Babey 2:** It’s Ashe.

**EDELGARF: **Hello Ashe! I’m afraid to ask what happened.

**Babey 2: **Claude gave Sylvain admin permissions, and every name is extremely cursed.

**EDELGARF:** How cursed, may I ask?

**CEO of Racism is online.**

**Babey 2:** As cursed as Ingrid being named the CEO of Racism.

**CEO of Racism: **I don’t understand I’m fine with Dedue now

**Babey 2:** I guess now you’re fine with him, but in the beginning you were starkly against foreigners. You have to chill out, Ingrid.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** seriously ingrid chill out

**CEO of Racism: **Why is everyone mad at me now I apologized to Dedue and I’m okay with him

**EDELGARF:** The true question remains whether you are okay with the entirety of Duscur, or the entirety of Almyra.

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** yeah edelgarfs right

**EDELGARF:** Claude, did I not warn you?

**Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha:** i didnt mean to edelgard please it was a typo

**EDELGARF has changed Haha don’t die you’re too sexy aha’s name to Sworn Enemy of the Empire Thanks for Nothing.**

**Sworn Enemy of the Empire Thanks for Nothing:** please edelgard hubert will kill me if he sees this name please dear goddess it was a mistake

**EDELGARF:** And why would I be inclined to believe you?

**Sworn Enemy of the Empire Thanks for Nothing:** BeCaUsE iT wAs LiTeRaLlY aN aCcIdEnT

**Sworn Enemy of the Empire Thanks for Nothing: **ill take a screenshot look look

**EDELGARF:** I don’t need a screenshot. If you’re really that desperate, I can change it back.

**EDELGARF has changed Sworn Enemy of the Empire Thanks for Nothing’s name to Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him.**

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** this is the closest im gonna get thanks edie

**EDELGARF:** Please refrain from calling me Edie.

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** whos allowed to call you edie then

**EDELGARF:** Dorothea came up with the name and I have yet to dissuade her from using it. So for now, only she can use it.

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** so do you like dorothea then lmao

**EDELGARF:** Dorothea is happily in a relationship with Petra, so please stop calling me the “other woman”. I would never dream of doing that to either of them. They are both my good friends, and nothing more.

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** im deceased you used quotes around other woman lmao

**CEO of Racism:** Ashe did you ever finish explaining what happened in our chst

**CEO of Racism:** Chat*

**CEO of Racism:** Auto correct can meet my spear

**Babey 2:** I don’t think I did. I’m going to continue unless anybody has a complaint

**Babey 2:** Sylvain gave us some cursed names, and then once every girl was online, he started this… thing

**CEO of Racism:** That was so bad omg

**Babey 2:** He like copy and pasted some song lyrics?

**CEO of Racism:** He tagged all the girls and Felix in every single message it was so bad

**Babey 2: **It was this song called Boyfriend I think? There were so many words, it took up like so much of the chat I can keep scrolling for a while and all I see are lyrics

**EDELGARF:** That sounds terrible.

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** it sounds funny now but like what if u wanted a conversation lmao and it was in the middle of the song

**Babey 2:** Dedue and Dimitri had one, actually

**Be There or Square Up:** REALLY? :O THAT SOUNDS HYSTERICAL!!! 

**Van Gogh but two ears:** I personally wouldn’t have been that thrilled to be in the middle of it.

**Babey 2:** It was terrible.

**CEO of Racism:** Thank the goddess it’s over now

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**CEO of Racism:** Goddess damn it

**EDELGARF:** Is that Sylvain?

  
**CEO of Racism:** Yes it is RUN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely still self indulgent.


	6. Teaching Time with the Homies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teachers doing exactly what you think

**Byleth Esiner is online.**

**Byleth Eisner has changed Byleth Eisner’s name to MILF (Man I Love Fishing).**

**Man I Love Fishing has added Manuela Casagranda, Hanneman von Essar, Seteth, Gilbert Pronislav, Jeralt Eisner, Catherine, Shamir Nevrand, Alois Rangeld, and Rhea to Teaching Time.**

**Man I Love Fishing has changed Manuela Casagranda’s name to MILF (Man I Love Flirting).**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Hanneman von Essar’s name to The OG Crest Scholar.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Jeralt Eisner’s name to Literal Dad.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Seteth’s name to Rules McGee the Boomer.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Gilbert Pronislav’s name to Gepetto.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Catherine’s name to Thunder Catherine.**

**MIlf (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Shamir Nevrand’s to The Queer Arrow.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Alois Rangeld’s name to Lesser Dad.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has changed Rhea’s name to Lady Rhea.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing): ** Hello, everyone. To make communication easier and more effective, I’ve decided to create this group. I hope we can all be civil and get along well.

**Rules McGee the Boomer is online.**

**Rules McGee the Boomer: ** Professor, why on earth is my name this… odd moniker?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Because it’s true, Seteth.

**Lady Rhea is online.**

**Lady Rhea: ** Hello, worshippers.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** I’m not going to lie, calling us “worshippers” doesn’t seem like a very friendly statement.

**Lady Rhea:** Alright then, hello, peons.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Okay that’s even worse.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Hello, Lady Rhea. I am enthused to report nothing of negative consequence has happened recently.

**Lady Rhea:** Wonderful news, Seteth.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Having both of you in the chat at the same time is like being stuck at a work meeting.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Our apologies, Professor. Since this group is in a rather… Er, unprofessional atmosphere, we would prefer you feel comfortable. Please, feel free to talk informally around us.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** fine bitch ass hoe rules mcgee boomer

**Thunder Catherine is online.**

**Thunder Catherine:** Damn Byleth out here going sicko mode and showing emotion

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** What is sicko mode?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** damn rules mcgee the boomer doesn’t know what sicko mode is he really is a boomer

**Lady Rhea:** Professor, how come my name is not quite as humorous as everyone else’s?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** because u wouldn’t like what i change it to okay i decided to play it safe and not give my literal boss a junk name

**Lady Rhea:** I can change it myself then, allow me.

**Lady Rhea has changed Lady Rhea’s name to We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya.**

**Thunder Catherine:** Almighty Goddess, Lady Rhea knows vines please send help

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** whatever you say lady rhea now that seteth said it’s ok for me to be informal imma b texting like this i hope u don’t mind

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** Professor, your comfort is what is most important to us. Feel free to text informally.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I would prefer it if you didn’t curse me out.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** seteth no you’re a boomer shut the hell your mouth

**Thunder Catherine:** The professor has too much power, send help please

**Gepetto is online.**

**Thunder Catherine:** Professor, why’d you name Gilbert fuckin Geppeto

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** because he makes wooden puppets

**Gepetto:** I do not think making puppets is the same as wishing one was alive.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** dude stfu i thought it was funny think up something for yourself if you’re so funny 

**Thunder Catherine:** Girls girls you’re both pretty, goddess above this is somehow insufferable and I’ve been here for two minutes

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** I didn’t make this group, yet I feel a keen sense of… regret.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** me fuckin too lady Rhea, me fuckin too

**Gepetto: ** I do not wish for my puppets to be alive.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** we don’t know what you’re thinking gepetto

**Gepetto:** Woodcarving is just a hobby of mine. I would like to assure you that I would never wish for a puppet to be alive.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** must be nice to not be a puppet

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** of the ch

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** nvm rhea will kill me continue as usual

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** Professor, although this chat is rather informal, I would advise you not to anger me.

**Thunder Catherine: ** Lady Rhea please calm down, the professor didn’t mean it

**Thunder Catherine: ** _ @MILF (Man I Love Fishing) _ apologize

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Professor, apologize to Lady Rhea. I had nothing of importance to report, but you angering the entirety of the church would definitely be something to report. 

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing): ** help  _ @Literal Dad _ jehovah’s witnesses are coming for me they’re at the door send help

**Literal Dad is online.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** hey dad what’s up

**Literal Dad:** Kid, why did you @ me

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** because jehovah’s witnesses are here

**Literal Dad:** Ah shit them again? I’ll get the sword.

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** Jeralt, you know that the professor is merely joking, right?

**Literal Dad:** I’m still getting the sword.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** yes dad let’s destroy jehovah’s witnesses

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** Who is Jehovah and what did they witness?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** wouldn’t u like to kno weather boi

**Thunder Catherine: ** I don’t know if I should defend Lady Rhea or support the professor’s use of memes

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya: ** Seteth, we will need to hunt down this Jehovah and ask them to stop witnessing. I must assume that their intent is to go against the church.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** As you wish, my lady.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** lady rhea no it’s just a joke

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya is offline.**

**Rules McGee the Boomer is offline.**

**Literal Dad:** At least we don’t have to shoo off the Jehovah’s witness now.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** there never even was a jehovah’s witness omg

  
**Thunder Catherine: ** Rip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after this the groups the chapter focuses on will sorta be random haha for now i'm doing it in the order of   
deer  
eagles  
lions  
all  
teachers  
but it may change up a bit hope you guys enjoyed


	7. Claude is Swety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swety Claude means oh no to Hilda and Lorenz.

**Golden Deer :)**

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him is online.**

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** sup hilda what up

**lazy ass hoe: ** why did edelgard add us all to a group chat

**lazy ass hoe: ** i literally mean all like every single member of each house

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** flayn ist there

**lazy ass hoe:** im glad she isnt seteth would kill us if we corrupted her

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** im very tempted to add flayn now

**lazy ass hoe:** i will kill you to death if you add her

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** ok nvm then understood

**lazy ass hoe:** also what happened to your name lol

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** edelgard happened

**lazy ass hoe:** you can change it back here u know

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him:** omg true lemme change it back

**Claude is not Sexy, Kill Him has changed Claude is not Sexy, Hill Him’s name to Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha.**

**lazy ass hoe: ** perfect

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ikr good for me

**equestria girls but gay is online.**

**lazy ass hoe:** hi marianne!

**equestria girls but gay:** h,hi hilda hiclaude

**lazy ass hoe: ** how are you doing today love

**equestria girls but gay:** you really d.d.on’t have to

**lazy ass hoe: ** yes i do

**lazy ass hoe:** i really care about you & it makes me sad when u keep putting yourself down

**equestria girls but gay:** hi.lda… !

**lazy ass hoe:** marianne ive been dating you for like 2 weeks but i love it bcuz u make me so happy ok

**lazy ass hoe:** if u keep putting urself down the only person ur gonna upset is me

**equestria girls but gay:** hilda inever knew yiu fel;t that way im s9rry

**equestria girls but gay: ** i camn try to be mpre positivr?

**lazy ass hoe:** thank u marianne

**lazy ass hoe:** i never wanna see you putting urself down

**lazy ass hoe:** you mean so much to me

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** omg this is so cute

**lazy ass hoe:** CLAUDE WTF WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** youre in the group chat not dms lmao

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** srsly tho im proud of both of u

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** working on ur issues damn

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: ** makes me wish i had someone

**lazy ass hoe:** its ok claude ur so fugly youre saving the world by being single

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i am not fugly i am sexy men and women alike adore me

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** one man especially in particular ;)

**lazy ass hoe:** claude do u have a boyfriend ur not telling us about :O

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** im not gonna answer that ever so have fun being clueless

**lazy ass hoe:** goddess dammit

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** either way tho im incredibly sexy

**lazy ass hoe:** no im the sexy one

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** youre sexy but im sexier

**lazy ass hoe:** ok im sexy but im not that sexy

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** no u

**lazy ass hoe:** no u

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: ** No u

**lazy ass hoe:** no U

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** NO U

**lazy ass hoe:** NO U

**fish man lorenz is online.**

**fish man lorenz: ** I believe the sexiest one here is moi.

**lazy ass hoe: ** bitch if ur sexy then im fuckign aphrodite herself

**equestria girls but gay:** buut hilda u are aphroditre! ! u alwaays make me feel beterr nd ur s0o pretty

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** wow lorenz u tried but u just made marianne and hildas relationship even stronger

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** also fuckign

**lazy ass hoe:** shut the hell your mouth im sorry i dont have perfect spelling on my phone

**fish man lorenz: ** Could you not turn on autocorrect?

**lazy ass hoe:** autocorrect is shoddy at best and friendship destroying at worst

**lazy ass hoe:** like marianne remember the time when 

**equestria girls but gay:** hilda please no uiervfbvh iv beg of youib vjhfdvbfhdjhvkdh

**lazy ass hoe:** i had just asked out marianne

**equestria girls but gay:** hildsa opelaee its so embarasing pleadn rno

**lazy ass hoe:** she was so overwhelmed she needed a second 

**lazy ass hoe: ** she said hilda would u mind could u just gimme a sex

**lazy ass hoe:** she freaked out so bad

**lazy ass hoe: ** lmao it was so cute

**equestria girls but gay:** HILDA FJFJJVJKFK

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** lol its like the time i wanted to go shopping but i said shipping

**fish man lorenz:** My name right now came from a typo as well.

**lazy ass hoe:** see marianne everybody makes typos its okay

**equestria girls but gay:** its still emba.rssaing okay

**equestria girls but gay: ** now im gonma sau somethuing embrasaing abot you

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i know all of hildas secrets because were bros

**equestria girls but gay:** one day we werr out in tiwn

**lazy ass hoe:** is this what i think it is

**equestria girls but gay:** hild,a saw this little boy with onbe of tgose plastuc rings fromn gthe machines ath the end ofb the supermarrkets

**lazy ass hoe:** marianne this is too far come on mine was funny and cute this one is just straight up embarrassing

**equestria girls but gay:** shr asked hnim where heg ot the ringg

**lazy ass hoe:** marianne

**equestria girls but gay: ** and agfter he told her

**lazy ass hoe: ** marianne what have i ever done to you

**equestria girls but gay:** shre dragged ne t o the store

**lazy ass hoe:** Marianne please

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hilda fucking capitalized something omg

**equestria girls but gay:** thje first ringh she got wasntthe right one

**lazy ass hoe:** MARIANNE

**equestria girls but gay:** so in total we spentt like idjk maybe like fivr dollars t,otal

**equestria girls but gay:** adn we ahd to openb every signel capsulw

**lazy ass hoe:** M A R I A N N E

**equestria girls but gay:** anf therew asnt evenr the right rinh

**equestria girls but gay: ** hilda los,t it.

**equestria girls but gay:** it was si cute and i eventually asked raphael to open upo the machine sp wer could fet the right ringh

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** lmao i have blackmail against hilda now

**fish man lorenz:** That was much more embarrassing than simply misspelling “sec”. Thank you, Marianne, for telling us this tale.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i didnt know raphael worked at a supermarket

**Be There or Square Up is online.**

**Be There or Square Up:** YEAH I WORK AT STOP AND SHOP :D

**fish man lorenz:** Hello, Raphael. We were not informed that you worked there until now.

**Be There or Square Up:** GOTTA BRING IN MONEY FOR MY FAMILY SOMEHOW HAHA

**Be There or Square Up: ** BESIDES MY PARENTS USED TO BE MERCHANTS SO MAYBE WORKING AT A SUPERMARKET COULD LIKE CONNECT ME TO THEM OR SOMETHING :D

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** thats really sweet raphael i cant even make fun of that its just pure

**lazy ass hoe:** damn raphael out here making claude get emotional

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** im not crying theres just sweat coming from my eyes

**lazy ass hoe:** ur a bad liar claude shut the up

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** srsly tho ive been training and everything is sweaty

**lazy ass hoe:** claude r u ok

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** haha sure

**lazy ass hoe:** you dont sound ok

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** im fine hilda im just really fuckign sweaty okay

**lazy ass hoe: ** YOU MISSPELLED SOMETHING AND NOT IRONICALLY YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT OKAY

**lazy ass hoe:** LORENZ COME WITH ME TO THE TRAINING GROUNDS WE’RE GONNA SAVE CLAUDE

**fish man lorenz:** As you wish, Hilda. I shall depart at once.

**lazy ass hoe:** bye marianne catch you later i love you even tho you publically embarrassed me

**Be There or Square Up:** WOW HILDA USED LOVE YOU GUYS HAVEN’T BEEN DATING FOR TOO LONG HAVE YOU :O

**lazy ass hoe:** marianne it was an instinct okay i didn’t mean it

**lazy ass hoe: ** shit i mean i did mean it but

**lazy ass hoe: ** oh fine goddess damn it

**lazy ass hoe: ** i love you marianne

**lazy ass hoe:** take your time to reply to me, as much as you need okay

**lazy ass hoe:** so long baby ill be here for you <3

**lazy ass hoe is offline.**

**fish man lorenz is offline.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** wow they were dramatic im just swety

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** are you ok marianne

**equestria girls but gay:** i cannt beliver hilda saisd she lvoed me

**equestria girls but gay:** why owukdl anybody lvoe a falkue luke me

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** marianne im being completely serious here you are not a failure

**Be There or Square Up:** YEAH MARIANNE YOU’RE THE BEST :D

**equestria girls but gay:** thhanks for the supponrt ugys im gonan go chikll eith dorte now if thats o kay

**Be There or Square Up:** TAKE YOUR TIME MARIANNE WE RESPECT YOU 

**Be There or Square Up:** IT’S OKAY!!!!

**equestria girls but gay:** okay bye guysb 

**equestria girls but gay is offline.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i really do hope shes oky

**Be There or Square Up:** ME TOO :(

**Be There or Square Up:** HEY, WHEN HILDA COMES TO HELP YOU, ASK HER TO GO CHEER UP MARIANNE, OKAY?

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** thats a good idea raphael thank you

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ill catch yu later i just heard lorenz and hilda scream for me

**Be There or Square Up:** OKAY BYE CLAUDE SEE YOU LATER :D

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of the kudos, bookmarks and nice comments! I cherish them all like a creepy old witch loves her spellbook.


	8. Dorothea Gave up on Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorothea gives up: the series

**Black Eagles Strategy**

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over is online.**

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: ** linhardtttttttt r u online

**Ferdiefetch’d is online.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Lmao I guess not, unless his online message somehow vanished.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: ** very funny ferdinand

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** srsly tho where is he i just saw him in the library a couple of minutes ago and now i cant find him

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Maybe he fell asleep again, like he is so prone to doing.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** linhardt never falls asleep when hes interested in smth he couldnt have fallen asleep in the library

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** i need to find him and see if hes okay

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** ill be back soon so tell edelgard not to worry about us if she comes online

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** thanks ferdinand bye

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over** **is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Well, that was quite quick.

**Hot Thot is online.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Hello, Dorothea.

**Hot Thot:** o goddess ur on

**Hot Thot:** goddess dammit just my luck

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Wow Dorothea I didn’t know you were so excited to see me

**Hot Thot:** shut the hell ur mouth i needed advice from lin

**Ferdiefetch’d:** When does anybody need advice from him? I’m clearly the much better choice for advice.

**Hot Thot:** hes knowledgeable on a ton of different subjects like art and fighting and physics

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I love tea, and am very cultured, as all nobles are. I am also an expert on cavalry, strategy, lance, and axe work.

**Hot Thot: ** bullshit

**Hot Thot:** fine either way i needed advice ferdie do you wanna help me out

**Ferdiefetch’d:** What kind of advice would you like?

**Hot Thot: ** i cant think of a place to take petra on a date and its killing me because i know im better than this but she deserves the world and i just dont know

**Ferdiefetch’d:** The mighty master of dating cannot think of a date spot?

**Hot Thot:** shut the hell your mouth

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Worry not, dear Dorothea.

**Hot Thot:** do not call me dear

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Force of habit for nobles my bad

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Either way, which places have you already taken her?

**Hot Thot:** the stables because she likes horses, the training grounds because she looks hot when shes fighting, sometimes i take her to shows like the opera and help explain to her whats going on because shes still a lil confused with our lang

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Have you ever tried asking her where she would like to go? Just directly asking her?

**Hot Thot:** i dont wanna seem unknowledgeable in dating spots

**Hot Thot:** ferdie please i need actual advice this is why i just wanted lin

**sleepy time bitch hoe is online.**

**sleepy time bitch hoe: ** what is going on here

**Hot Thot:** lin oh thank the goddess ur here

**Hot Thot:** i need a date spot for petra

**Hot Thot:** where do u usually take caspar on dates

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** uh wherever he wants to go

**Hot Thot:** r u fucking kidding me

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** hes the one whos dragging me around so i have fun ok

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** u kno they hold like a carnival or some shit in town

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** lil past the marketplace

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** idk if its still open but if you wanna impress her take her there and win her something

**Hot Thot:** thank u so much lin i owe u xoxoxo

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** dont u xoxo me

**Hot Thot: ** im gonna go check if the carnival is still open ok

**Hot Thot:** imma brb

**Hot Thot is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Hello, Linhardt

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** whats up

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Caspar was worried about you being missing.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** o lmao i was taking a nap in the field

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Caspar said he had seen you only a few minutes ago though?

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** oh yeah i walk kinda fast compared to him bc my strides r long & hes short

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** did i actually make him worry tho

**Ferdiefetch’d:** He was indeed very concerned about your whereabouts. I think he went to look in the library again.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ok ill meet him there

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** u kno ferdinand ur actually being useful 4 once thanks

**Ferdiefetch’d:** It is my pleasure to help you out. It is a noble’s job, after all.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ye ok whatev bye

**sleepy time bitch hoe is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I am once again here alone.

**Ferdiefetch’d: ** Who knew that this group could be so calm?

**Mom come pick me up im scared is online.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** h

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** AGHSDHFJSHDJFHJ

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I didn’t even get to say hi, I was just trying to type it out but clicked send by accident

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Bernadetta?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Bernadetta, hello?

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** whgta doi yoi wany

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** pelsew dont hrt me

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I’m not even Hubert, yet you are terrified of me.

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** just telk me whta you wany okau

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I don’t want anything from you, I was just trying to talk!

**Enderman is online.**

**Enderman:** What is all this fuss about?

**Mom come pick me up im scared: ** hubert om g ejknfrdhfkerhckenk plesae mno

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** ASDFGFDSASDDFFGGGHJHJHH thuis is my worts ngithughntfmar

**Enderman:** Her worst… what?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I think it says nightmare.

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** dsjhsffdf

**Mom come pick me up im scared is offline.**

**Enderman:** I literally did nothing. Why is she always so scared of me?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Maybe it’s because whenever you’re around her, you just stand there menacingly.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** You know how scared she is of you, yet you laugh loudly and look right at her! Are you trying to murder her?

**Enderman:** The world isn’t nice, Ferdinand. I’m simply trying to open her eyes up to the real world.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** The real world isn’t nice, Hubert, so you’re right there. But she should feel safe here, okay?

**Enderman:** What is this, another stupid noble’s obligation?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** It is the obligation of a noble to make their people feel safe, but Bernadetta is also our classmate! Please let her be!.

**EDELGARF is online.**

**EDELGARF:** From what I read, Ferdinand is… for once, actually right.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I told you, Hubert!

**Enderman:** So be it. If my lady says it is so, then I was in the wrong. I will apologize to Bernadetta once she comes back online.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** The way you treated her, she might never come back online again

**EDELGARF:** You both said some harsh things to each other and about another one of your classmates.

**EDELGARF:** This chat is a safe place. We try to keep civil with each other here, okay?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Understood, Edelgard.

**Enderman:** As you wish, my lady.

**EDELGARF:** Also, what was this about Linhardt being missing and Dorothea running out of date ideas?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** The master of dating Dorothea has no fucking clue where to take Petra on a date it’s really funny

**Enderman:** Seeing someone with as much confidence in that field as Dorothea flail around is indeed quite humorous.

**EDELGARF:** Has she taken Petra to see anything relating to Brigid?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Now that I think about it, Dorothea never mentioned anything about seeing something Brigid related.

**EDELGARF:** Perhaps it would be a very thoughtful and touching idea to take Petra to see an exhibit on Brigid.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Everyone here hates Brigid though so what do we do?

**EDELGARF:** Perhaps we can all research Brigid and throw a Brigid exhibition ourselves?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** That’s a damn good idea Edelgard you bested me again

**EDELGARF:** I have always bested you, Ferdinand.

**EDELGARF:** Either way, I will start my research on Brigid.

**Hot Thot is online.**

**Hot Thot:** omg guys ud really do this for me n petra???

**EDELGARF:** Of course, Dorothea. I and everyone else in our house is here to support you and Petra. Hubert and I will begin to read up on Brigid immediately. We will be in the library if you need us.

**Enderman:** As you wish, my lady.

**Hot Thot:** thx so much guys omg ksjdhjsgda

**EDELGARF is offline.**

**Enderman is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Although we have had our… well, conflicts up until now, I will gladly study Brigid as well.

**Hot Thot:** thx ferdie

**Hot Thot:** nd i mean it u rlly dont have to but u did

**Hot Thot:** so… thank u

**Ferdiefetch’d:** It is no problem, Dorothea. I will meet up with Edelgard and Hubert in the library now.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Would you like us to delete the conversation from beforehand so that Petra cannot see it and get her surprise spoiled?

**Hot Thot:** i appreciate the thought but she never checks back to look at all of the log, she usually just looks thru the past few messages

**Hot Thot:** if i just spam thru the chat

**Hot Thot:** like this lmao

**Hot Thot:** shes not gonna wanna go thru everything

**Ferdiefetch’d:** That is quite the good idea, Dorothea!

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I can assist you!

**Ferdiefetch’d:** How many more messages do you think we need?

**Hot Thot: ** i dont wanna hear any more of your talking dhsgfdkjhfkdh

**Hot Thot:** fhdkjhfghdgfkjfldh

**Hot Thot:** hfkjdhgdshkjfh

**Hot Thot:** petra ur my angel and i wanna kiss u rn

**Hot Thot:** jfdhsjfkd

**Hot Thot:** ehjgfryvdfjj

**Hot Thot:** ok i think this is good

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I will take my leave to the library now.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Farewell, Dorothea!

**Ferdiefetch’d is offline.**

**Hot Thot: ** damn i gotta start planning djkfhdgs

**I am Confusion is online.**

**I am Confusion:** Hello, lovely Dorothea! How are you faring this day?

  
**Hot Thot:** ferdie out of any fucking time for you to leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The black eagles are such disaster children and i love them


	9. Felix goes Sicko Mode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix doing... exactly what you'd expect.

**Blue Lions Rawr XD**

**ANGERY GAY is online.**

**String Cheese is online.**

**ANGERY GAY:** Ugh you again

**String Cheese:** Hello, Felix.

**ANGERY GAY:** Dimitri ur a real cheesehead u know that

**String Cheese:** My name may indeed be String Cheese, but I do not think that I myself have an entire head made out of cheese. If I did, I would not be able to think or speak, much less type.

**ANGERY GAY:** Cheese boi im joking goddess almighty calm down

**Dedue date was today??? :O is online.**

**Dedue date was today??? :O: **What seems to be the issue, Felix?

**ANGERY GAY:** Yeah cheesehead here is being a cheesehead who cant take a mcfucking joke

**String Cheese:** I did not know that you were joking, Felix, My apologies.

**ANGERY GAY:** Theres no excusing being an uneducated chump

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Felix, I would advise you to keep yourself open minded. Everybody has different routines, likes, and dislikes. His Highness may simply not be as knowledgeable yet in certain topics as you are.

**ANGERY GAY:** Cheesehead has no rights he still doesnt get vines

**ANGERY GAY:** Annette sent one and he looked at it and didnt even think it was funny or memorable

**ANGERY GAY:** Mercedes explained it and it still isnt funny to him

**ANGERY GAY:** Fuckin madman cheesehead what will it take

**Babey 1 is online.**

**Mercedes Benz is online.**

**Babey 1:** Hey guys, what’s up?

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Felix is angering me by insulting His Highness.

**String Cheese:** Dedue, I understand that Felix just wants me to become more knowledgeable and learn more about all walks of life. It is okay for him to voice his opinion, especially in such an informal setting.

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** I am still wary, Your Highness, but I will stop.

**Babey 1:** Wow, what did Mercie and I miss? 

**ANGERY GAY:** Cheesehead here still doesnt understand memes

**Mercedes Benz:** Felix, we could try showing him some more! :) What about the one with the sign about the road?

**Babey 1:** Oh, that’s a good one, Mercie!

**Babey 1: ** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AYv6rV3NXE>

**Babey 1:** Road work ahead?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** uh yeah i sure hope it does

**Mercedes Benz:** Hello, Sylvain! :)

**Babey 1:** Perfect timing!

**ANGERY GAY:** Out of anyone in this entire house to finish the vine it had to be you you dumb fuck

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i am not a dumb fuck i am a dumb bitch

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **there is a difference and yes i care

**ANGERY GAY:** Nobody asked man whore

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** whoa there no calling me a man whore in front of the ladies

**ANGERY GAY:** Mercedes and annette are here and theyre in a relationship w/ each other

**ANGERY GAY:** Stop making excuses for yourself

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** ok calm tf down

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** im sorry that i wanna be referred to nicely

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** especially in front of the girls

**ANGERY GAY:** Then why did u keep tagging me in that stupid fucking boyfriend chain

**Babey 1:** *audible gasp*

**Babey 1:** I know the stars are kinda cringey, but I literally just gasped in my room oml

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i explained to you beforehand ok

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** it was funny watching you squirm

**ANGERY GAY: **But after the first like two messages ingrid gave tf up

**ANGERY GAY:** so why not stop tagging her

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** shes a girl lmao cant stop tagging them

**ANGERY GAY: **But i stopped responding after three fucking messages too

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** it was still funny and i was copy pasting the tags

**ANGERY GAY:** What do you fuckin like me or something

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** that topic is debatable at best

**Mercedes Benz:** Boys, to avoid conflict in this group, would you rather move to your private messages and work this out there? :O

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** no

**ANGERY GAY:** Yes you little whore

**Mercedez Benz:** Felix! That was uncalled for! >:(

**ANGERY GAY:** Not everybody in this fucking group, especially cheesehead mcsquare is going to listen to us bicker about this

**Mercedes Benz: **Felix, you need to calm down! >:(

**Mercedes Benz:** Obviously, you two have to speak about some things. :/ It would most likely be best if you spoke about those things in private. 

**Mercedes Benz:** For your own sanity, I would advise leaving the group chat and either privately messaging each other about it or meeting up in person and discussing it.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **fine mercedes youve got a point

**ANGERY GAY:** Youre lucky youre like a mom to us

**Mercedes Benz:** Thank you for listening and dropping the subject, boys :)

**Mercedes Benz:** Also, I’m baking some brownies! :) Who wants some?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is offline.**

**Babey 1:** I guess Sylvain was so excited to try some of Mercie’s sweets he logged off asap oml

**Mercedes Benz:** You guys flatter me, really! 

**ANGERY GAY:** Its true mercedes your sweets are the shit

**ANGERY GAY:** And the shit in the good way not like the garbage way

**Mercedes Benz:** Thank you, Felix! :)

**String Cheese:** If it would not inconvenience you, I would also like some brownies.

**Mercedes Benz:** Of course, Dimitri! :)

**Mercedes Benz:** Would anyone else like anything?

**Babey 1:** Mercie, I want a kiss! <3

**Mercedes Benz:** I don’t think I know the recipe for those, I’m sorry. :(

**ANGERY GAY:** Mercedes snapped oml

**Babey 1:** Mercie :(

**Babey 1:** My joke wasn’t that bad, was it?

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** It was fairly bad, Annette.

**Babey 1:** Oh, confound it all.

**Mercedez Benz: **I have to leave now, otherwise the brownies will overcook. So long everyone :)

**Babey 1:** Bye Mercie!

**Mercedes Benz is offline.**

**Babey 1:** My joke wasn’t that bad.

**String Cheese:** Indeed it was, Annette.

**ANGERY GAY:** The way that mercedes reacted to it youve definitely said some better stuff lmao

  
**Babey 1:** Aw man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl I thought Felix went a lil too hard this time idk


	10. Bernie goes to Stop and Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie doing exactly what you'd expect.

**This was a bad idea i regret this**

**Mom come pick me up im scared is online.**

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** ok so im in sotp and shpo 

**Mom come pick me up im scared: **ibe gottta go get my instanr nodles

**Be There or Square Up is online.**

**Be There or Square Up:** HI BERNADETTA! :D

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** hi raphael whyats up

**Be There or Square Up:** I WORK AT STOP AND SHOP! :D

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** oh thanj the goddesd cab yuo rign me up

**Be There or Square Up:** OF COURSE! :D

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** theres a huge robto ehre omg

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** raphael plesae whu is therr a rbot 

**Be There or Square Up:** HIS NAME IS MARTY! :D

**Be There or Square Up:** HE’S SUPPOSED TO DETECT SPILLS!

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** hes scart im gona go awy from hin now

**Be There or Square Up:** I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK, SO I’LL BE GOING! BYE BERNADETTA!

**Be There or Square Up is offline.**

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** raphael noo

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** the robto keeps comign after me

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** im not a spill plesae stpo folowing me mr roboit

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** omg im gonna die here

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** befire i gp

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** i reakly care baout all of you guys

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** an d i love y ou guys so mu,ch

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** and if tghis robpt kieps folowing me

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** im not gomna br here anymore

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** omg stop following me i jusy wanr noidles

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** ill miss yoi all

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** giodbyr curel world 

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** marty can take me niw

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** i couldnt evrn rgt my instany nooflrs

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** im sorry evertone

**Hot Thot is online.**

**I am Confusion is online.**

**Hot Thot:** bernie r uok

**I am Confusion:** Dorothea, what do the rest of the messages say?

**Hot Thot:** shes dying in stop n shop

**I am Confusion:** Is she okay? Dying is of the utmost seriousness, is she needing assistance?

**Hot Thot:** we might need to go rescue her

**I am Confusion:** Then we shall be going!

**Hot Thot:** hold on bernie were here for you

**Hot Thot is offline.**

**I am Confusion is offline.**

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** omg

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** thyere coming to help me in sotp and ship

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** thnak the godesd

**Babey 2 is online.**

**Babey 2:** What seems to be the problem, Bernadetta?

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** hi ashe theres a robit in stop and shoip and im afraid its gona sddjdf kil; me

**Babey 2:** Oh, Marty?

**Babey 2:** He does make a rather annoying beeping sound if you are near him for too long, but he is harmless! He has a sensor that makes him physically unable to ram into people. You are safe, Bernadetta. 

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** omg ashe

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** yiure a life svaer

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** i was si afraod 

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** i thouhgt id never ser yuo guys agian 

**Babey 2:** No need to fear, Bernadetta!

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** ofhjdfh

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** dorothea ans petra even decie de to rewcue me 

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** giuys thnak uoi so much

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie is online.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Whoa what the hell happened here

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** i thoiuhgt i was goin to diue in stop and dhop

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Damn bernadetta wth

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** What happened

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** thr eobot

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** The what now

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** thw orbot

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** robot

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Oh that thing 

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I used to work at a stop and shop so i could raise money to move here and be jeralts apprentice

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** those things cost like 60k and theyre useless lmao

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie: **They just kinda go around and do nothing

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Theres nothing to worry about bernadetta

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** phew thanj the goddeas

**Babey 2:** I can’t believe the robots cost that much!

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Who tf are you

**Babey 2:** The name’s kind of nondescript, so I get how you guys keep having trouble. It’s Ashe.

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Oh sup man

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** And yeah those things cost like too much money

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Theyre literally useless and they scare the kids and stuff

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** One time i was restocking the shelf and when i had to grab more mac n cheese marty was right behind me i cursed him tf out and almost died

**Babey 2:** These robots do not seem to be a very… beneficial investment.

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Theyre the opposite of beneficial

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** th e god ddess has spaerd me

**Mom come pick me up im scared:** i foudn my nopdles im gonan go checc ouy with raphael niw byr everyon

**Mom come pick me up im scared is offline.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Ashe y is ur name babey 2

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** is there a 1st babey

**Babey 1 is online.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Nvm there is lol

**Babey 1:** Hello, Ashe! Hello, Leonie!

**Babey 2:** Hi, Annette!

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Ashe thank u 4 saying her name before i had to ask lmao

**Babey 1:** What’s up with Stop and Shop?

**Babey 2:** Bernadetta almost died.

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** She was scared af of marty so she kept running away from him and thought shed die

**Babey 1:** Mercie has a good horror story about Stop and Shop! I should make her tell it next time!

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up is online.**

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** fuck u no fucking horror stories

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Watch your profanity

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** fine

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** frick u no fricking horror stories

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** better

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Its good enough for me

**Babey 2:** Hello, Lysithea! 

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** who the frick are you

**Babey 2:** It’s Ashe.

**Babey 1:** And I’m Annette!

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** ok it doesnt matter who is who

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** what matters is no fricking horror movies

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** the stupid frickin robot already creeps me the hecc out

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** How come everyone is so scared of marty hes not that scary

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up: **you wake up in the middle of the night and see marty at the foot of your bed

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up: **what do you fricckin do when you just see marty standing there

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I turn him off, dumbass

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I used to work at stop and shop okay i could turn that bitch off in a second

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up: **i didnt used to work at stop and shop okay

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** i see that binch in the middle of the night i blast him with fire

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** If marty broke stop and shop would have an aneurysm

**Babey 2:** Why would Marty even be in your house in the middle of the night?

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** ashe its for the creepy scenario okay stfu

**Babey 1:** Well, he just kind of beeps annoyingly, doesn’t he?

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** i guess

**Babey 1:** So I’d just try to go back to sleep.

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** no hes loud

**Babey 1:** Then I’d move out of my room and go sleep somewhere else, away from Marty. Maybe with Mercie. Oooh, we could have a slumber party!

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** marty being at the foot of your bed isnt supposed to be an opportunity to snog your girlfriend

**Babey 1:** I don’t snog Mercie!

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** you cant move

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** boom my new rule

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** marty is at the foot of your bed at 3 am and you cant friccking move

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up: **then what

**Babey 2:** In the morning, I’d simply call the doctor and ask them how to cure my sleep paralysis!

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** goddess

  
**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** dammit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you wake up at 3 am and see marty at the footof your bed... what do you do


	11. Catherine and Shamir Piss off the Professor (Ft. VSCO Crisis Flayn)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine and Shamir and Flayn doing exactly what you'd think.

**Teaching Time**

**Rules McGee the Boomer is online.**

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Professor? Hello?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I have a concern to raise with you.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) is online.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Hello, Seteth. What is your cause of concern?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Flayn has been talking recently of this girl named VSCO.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** This girl named VSCO has been rubbing off on Flayn, so much so that my sister is starting to imitate her. 

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** She has taken to saying things such as “sksksksksk”, and “and I oop-”, and I have yet to discern the meaning of these phrases.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Flayn fell to the VSCO girl scheme?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Unfortunately, she did. 

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Well, it seems to be that way.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Oh man, that sucks.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** flayn finna go vsco sicko mode goddess

**Lesser Dad is online.**

**Lesser Dad:** Hello, Professor! Hello, Seteth!

**Lesser Dad:** Why is my name Lesser Dad?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Because you’re like my dad, but to a lesser extent than my actual dad.

**Lesser Dad: ** Speaking of, where is Jeralt?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Not quite sure.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Do you know what a VSCO girl is?

**Lesser Dad:** It doesn’t ring any bells.

**Thunder Catherine is online.**

**The Queer Arrow is online.**

**Thunder Catherine:** What’s all the hubbub about here huh

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Flayn is a VSCO girl.

**Thunder Catherine:** Oh goddess almighty help her

**The Queer Arrow:** catherine what the hell is going on here

**Thunder Catherine:** Exactly what you think, Shamir.

**The Queer Arrow:** that tells me fucking nothing

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** We need to help Flayn.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I agree. 

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing): ** Somebody needs to steal her scrunchie and tell her to stop saying sksksksksk.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing): ** We can leave her with the turtles, but maybe we can ask who introduced her to VSCO.

**The Queer Arrow:** ok why the fuck is flayn a vsco girl

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** I have that exact same question myself ngl

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** How come you know who this VSCO is, Shamir?

**The Queer Arrow:** wouldnt u like to know weather boy

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** I already used that. It’s not funny anymore if you reuse it.

**The Queer Arrow:** shut the fuck up professor goddammit

**The Queer Arrow:** the first time i get here my reference gets fucking murdered

**The Queer Arrow:** r u kidding me

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** It’s okay, Shamir. I will cease to reference things from now on.

**The Queer Arrow:** no dumbass dont just stop referencing shit

**The Queer Arrow:** guess ill die

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** You did it, Shamir!

**The Queer Arrow:** yes finally 

**Thunder Catherine:** You did it, honey!

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Honey?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** you bitches never told me you were dating wtf

**The Queer Arrow:** yeah because catherine and i talked about it

**Thunder Catherine:** I may have guilt tripped her last night because I want to hold her hand in public.

**The Queer Arrow:** yes i do enjoy holding your hand 

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** hoes im so mad

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** i shipped you guys for so fucking lonf

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** im both relieved yet shook

**Thunder Catherine:** Yeah, the jig is up. Shamir is my girlfriend.

**The Queer Arrow:** it wasnt really anybodys business but ours professor, youre honestly lucky we told you

**Thunder Catherine:** Surprise, I guess?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** im so mad

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** like im actually so mad guys

**Thunder Catherine:** Professor, it’s okay! We were keeping it a secret!

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** for how mcfucking long

**The Queer Arrow:** idk like a couple months maybe

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** A COUPLE MONTHS

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** KSJDSSLFDSF

**Thunder Catherine:** For someone who’s so stoic in person, you’re awfully expressive and loud here.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** im so mad

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** also i gotta make sure i dont play favorites with the students and stuff

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** no emotion for them to tell yknow

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** i look all mysterious and shit

**The Queer Arrow:** catherine ive got work to do

**Thunder Catherine:** Are you kidding me? Man, Lady Rhea is a real slave driver.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** guys im still fucking mad

**The Queer Arrow:** ill be back later

**The Queer Arrow is offline.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** catherine im mad at you

**Thunder Catherine:** We both agreed to keep it a secret, to stay professional.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** im still mad tho

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** ive shipped you guys for so long

**Lesser Dad:** Professor, perhaps you’re overreacting a bit?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I would also like to remind you that we need to save Flayn from VSCO.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Oh, yes, we do.

**Lesser Dad:** You really brought yourself back. I’m impressed!

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Yes, because we need to save Flayn from the VSCO.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Would you mind if I added her?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Whatever it takes to save her.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has added Flayn to Teaching Time.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** _@Flayn_ We need to talk.

**Flayn is online.**

**Flayn:** And I oop-

**Thunder Catherine:** I didn’t know it was this bad. Prfoessor?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Flayn, you need to stop VSCOing.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Seteth is concerned, and frankly, so am I.

**Flayn: ** But I have to save the turtles sksksksk

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** You can save the turtles without being a VSCO girl.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Flayn, I understand that VSCO girls are a trend as of now.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** But you’re not one of them. You’re unique by yourself, and fitting in is overrated anyway.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Even then, if your goal was to fit in, the rest of the students here at the monastery can assure you that they see you as their peer and friend, not as someone less mature.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Yes, Flayn. The professor and I will always be here to speak with you. And if you do not wish to talk with us, your friends would also be willing to talk with you as well.

**Flayn:** So what about my scrunchies? sksksksksk

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** You get to keep two at most. 

**Flayn:** Ugh, fine and I oop-

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Thank you, Flayn.

**Flayn:** Professor, could you at least prepare some fish for me?

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Why would I need to do that?

**Flayn:** You’re making me give something up! If you cook something, it will almost be like the hole left by having to leave my VSCO ways behind will be fulfilled!

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** As you wish, Flayn. But remember to cease your VSCO ways.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I am glad that this conflict has been solved so quickly and with such efficiency.

**Flayn:** I will say that I am quite saddened that I was not added to this group earlier.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** It was mainly made for the teachers, but I can ask my students if they would be willing to add you to the group they made for the students.

**Flayn:** That would be lovely! Thank you, Professor!

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Seteth, was the problem solved accordingly?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I believe it was. Thank you for your help, Professor.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** No problem, Seteth.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Can I still curse here?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Flayn, did you see it beforehand?

**Flayn:** I did. And I already knew what they meant anyway, Brother.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing): ** Sweet

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** fuck

  
**Rules McGee the Boomer:** PROFESSOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know if the summaries are funny any more I'm ngl


	12. Weed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weed doing exactly what you'd expect.

**House Leaders Gang Gang**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha is online.**

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** omg hi hilda were online together

**lazy ass hoe:** we did it omg

**lazy ass hoe:** we should get a fucking medal

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** yes we should

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ill ask the professor to make some

**lazy ass hoe:** yes

**EDELGARF is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** sup edelgard

**EDELGARF:** I was thinking of changing my name. The joke about Bernadetta’s typo is quite old by now. Do either of you have any ideas for names?

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** naming yourself just bitch would be a power move

**lazy ass hoe:** just edgelord is funny too

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** bitchlord

**lazy ass hoe:** thats beautiful i love it

**EDELGARF has changed EDELGARF’s name to Bitchlord.**

**Bitchlord:** This does seem quite funny.

**lazy ass hoe:** i love it

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hubert is gonna think we did this as sabotage

**lazy ass hoe:** no way lmao this is just too funny

**Dedue date was today??? :O is online.**

**Dedue date was today??? :O: ** Hello, everyone. I see Edelgard has changed her name to a rather… crass one.

**Bitchlord:** Yes, Dedue. This name is quite unorthodox, but it is quite funny.

**String Cheese is online.**

**String Cheese:** Hello, Dedue, Edelgard, Hilda, and Claude.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** sup homie

**String Cheese:** Dedue, I believe we have weeding duty this week, correct?

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Yes, I believe so.

**String Cheese:** It is now time for me to test my theory.

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Your Highness, please, no.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** do i wanna know

**String Cheese:** I have read that within the weeds, it is possible to find edible plants. 

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: ** so does dimitri wanna like

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** eat the weeds

**lazy ass hoe:** dimitri gonna get high on literal weeds

**lazy ass hoe:** weed king dimitri

**lazy ass hoe:** claude u kno what to do

**String Cheese:** Claude, what are you doing?

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha has changed String Cheese’s name to Weed King Dimitri.**

**Weed King Dimitri: ** I can’t believe you’ve done this.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** do u even know that vine

**Weed King Dimitri:** What vine? Annette, Felix, and the others tried to show me some, but I have yet to see how funny they are.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hilda link it

**lazy ass hoe:** on it

**lazy ass hoe: ** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP5Z1M1sbzE ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP5Z1M1sbzE)

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** damn hilda howd you get it so fast

**lazy ass hoe:** i have my ways

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Your Highness, please do not eat the weeds.

**lazy ass hoe:** srsly tho what the hell dimitri lol

**lazy ass hoe:** listen i dont like doing chores either but im not gonna

**lazy ass hoe:** idk

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** fuckin eat the weeds?

**lazy ass hoe:** yeah bro im not gonna fuckin eat the weeds

**lazy ass hoe:** thanks for the assist claude

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ive gotchu homie

**Weed King Dimitri: ** I was just suggesting that we look for edible plants among the weeds.

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** I would not suggest trying to look for edible plants among the weeds. We have plenty of resources at our disposal as is. Dimitri, I beg of you, please do not eat the weeds.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: ** damn that shit was intense

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** dimitri u better not dedue will like kill u if u eat the weeds

**lazy ass hoe:** where tf did u read this dimitri

**Weed King Dimitri: ** You know those books that people randomly find around the monastery? I know the professor has also found some, but sometimes people just leave books around the monastery for no reason. I learned it from one of the texts I found just laying around.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** im ngl i have no fucking clue what youre talking about

**lazy ass hoe:** me n the boys boutta hit up the monastery and find random ass books that tell me to eat weeds

**Bitchlord:** I’ve stayed awfully silent during this debacle, but I can no longer keep quiet.

**Bitchlord:** Dimitri, do not eat weeds.

**Bitchlord:** Whoever is placing these odd books around the monastery is probably just trying to lure people into doing drugs with them.

**lazy ass hoe:** i dont even think there are any fucking books

**lazy ass hoe:** like dimitri ud never lie ur not that kind of guy

**lazy ass hoe:** theres just no fuckin way some weirdos are just leaving random ass books everywhere

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hilda lets go look for some lmao

**lazy ass hoe:** sure fam haha

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ill head to ur room

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** brb homies gonna go find dimitris weed book

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha is offline.**

**lazy ass hoe:** goddess almighty

**lazy ass hoe: ** i was… joking

**lazy ass hoe:** i dont wanna fucking move im comfy

**Bitchlord:** You dug your own grave, Hilda.

**Weed King Dimitri:** I am not lying. The professor has seen them too!

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** I do not care where this information came from, Your Highness, as long as you do not eat the weeds.

**Weed King Dimitri:** I was just suggesting it in case weeding got too tedious or menial.

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Please, Your Highness.

**Weed King Dimitri: ** I will drop the topic, but know that I am going to try it at some time.

**Bitchlord:** Dimitri, I would not advise going against Dedue’s orders.

**Weed King Dimitri:** He cannot stop me if I command him to stand down.

**Dedue date was today??? :O is offline.**

**Weed King Dimitri:** Why did Dedue leave so suddenly?

**Bitchlord:** I hear someone running through the monastery.

**Bitchlord:** It seems they are running with the utmost emergency.

**Weed King Dimitri:** Do not tell me that it is d

**Bitchlord:** Is it Dedue?

**Bitchlord:** Dimitri?

**Bitchlord:** Dimitri, are you okay?

**Weed King Dimitri:** It is Dedue, Lady Edelgard. I have retrieved Dimitri’s phone and taken him away from the hazard.

**Bitchlord:** Dedue, did you pick Dimitri up?

**Weed King Dimitri:** Yes, with one hand. I am using the other to text you.

**Bitchlord:** That is both impressive, yet terrifying.

**Weed King Dimitri:** I am going to sign off now, so I can carry His Highness with maximum efficiency.

**Bitchlord:** Best of luck, Dedue.

**Weed King Dimitri is offline.**

**Bitchlord:** Hubert has missed all of this. I really hope he does not chew out the others for suggesting me this name.

**Enderman is online.**

**Enderman:** Lady Edelgard? Are you online?

**Bitchlord:** Yes, Hubert. I have changed my handle, but it is me.

**Enderman:** Lady Edelgard…

**Enderman:** Who made you change your name to such a horrible and crass name?

**Bitchlord:** Hilda, Claude, and I all came up with it together.

**Enderman is offline.**

**Bitchlord:** Hubert!

**Bitchlord:** Hubert is just trying to protect me, but I made this name myself. 

**Bitchlord:** I have to go find him before Claude and Hilda get beheaded.

**Bitchlord is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> W e e d s


	13. Hubert literally runs in the 90s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubert does exactly what you think, very angrily.

**This was a bad idea i regret this**

**Bitchlord is online.**

**Bitchlord:** This message is of the utmost importance. Has anyone seen Hubert, Claude, or Hilda?

**CEO of Racism is online.**

**CEO of Racism:** Hello, Edelgard.

**CEO of Racism:** I believe that I saw Hubert running near the Reception Hall.

**Bitchlord:** Thank you for your help, Ingrid.

**Bitchlord:** Hubert thinks that Hilda and Claude called me a bitch. He is on his way to kill them.

**Bitchlord:** I must stop him before it is too late.

**Bitchlord:** Thank you once more. I must be off.

**Bitchlord is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d is online.**

**Van Gogh but two ears is online.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Hello, everyone. I see that Edelgard has once again changed her name to one inferior compared to mine.

**CEO of Racism:** Your name is a reference to a shit pokemon, don’t get your hopes up

**Van Gogh but two ears:** What did we miss?

**CEO of Racism:** I scrolled through a little bit of it, but not all of it, I think that Bernadetta thought she was going to die in Stop and Shop

**Ferdiefetch’d:** One time, my message hadn’t even finished typing but I sent it by accident. All it said was the letter “h”, yet Bernadetta was still very shaken up and refused to speak with me.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** And then, Hubert came in. Bernadetta was so scared that she went offline.

**fish man lorenz is online.**

**fish man lorenz: **What is going on here?

**equestria girls but gay is online.**

**equestria girls but gay:** hubert is kind of scary tho

**Van Gogh but two ears:** Marianne, are you okay?

**equestria girls but gay:** yeah i am what up

**CEO of Racism:** Your typos are lackinf

**CEO of Racism:** L A C K I NG

**CEO of Racism:** I will kill my keyboard with a spear.

**equestria girls but gay:** oh i forgot lmao

**equestria girls but gay:** its hilda

**fish man lorenz: **Dare I ask why you have Marianne’s phone?

**equestria girls but gay:** i was supposed to help claude find some random ass books lying around but then we got to marianne’s room and i just

**equestria girls but gay:** im gay

**equestria girls but gay:** so now im chillin with marianne

**CEO of Racism:** Do we want to know what “chillin” means?

**CEO of Racism:** Is it anything inappropriate? Watch your mouth 

**equestria girls but gay:** its netflix

**equestria girls but gay:** goddess yall are nasty

**equestria girls but gay:** we were watching netflix and chillin

**equestria girls but gay:** also she like 

**equestria girls but gay:** does this lil thing

**equestria girls but gay:** when shes sleep she just kinda gently grabs me 

**equestria girls but gay:** but she doesnt let go when shes asleep

**equestria girls but gay:** my uwus goddess

**fish man lorenz:** This is actually quite wholesome. Surprising, coming from you.

**equestria girls but gay:** wtf

**equestria girls but gay:** do u all think im evil

**equestria girls but gay:** wtf guys

**equestria girls but gay:** im gonna go cuddle marianne harder now

**equestria girls but gay:** because u guys suck

**equestria girls but gay:** peace out

**equestria girls but gay is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Did Edelgard not say that she was looking for Claude and Hilda?

**Enderman is online.**

**Enderman:** IS THAT HILDA?

**Enderman is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Oh, fuck.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Now what?

**fish man lorenz:** Does Hilda deserve our help?

**CEO of Racism:** I think since she is innocent from what I’ve seen. Her, Claude, and Edelgard herself all agreed on it. Nothung was wrong with what she did.

**CEO of Racism:** N O T H I N G

**CEO of Racism:** I would like to hit auto correct with my spear so hard it dies

**fish man lorenz:** Does someone want to go to find them?

**Van Gogh but two ears:** I can go find her! I’m heading out of the library anyway.

**fish man lorenz:** That would be wonderful, Ignatz. Thank you.

**Van Gogh but two ears is offline.**

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Do you think Ignatz will get there in time?

**CEO of Racism:** I just heard Hubert running.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I really do hope that Claude and Hilda are okay, especially since Edelgard herself is okay with it.

**fish man lorenz:** I just saw Edelgard run by so fast that was a blur. I fear that the entire monastery will soon be running for their lives.

**CEO of Racism:** This is terrifying.

**CEO of Racism:** Hubert and Edelgard and Claude are all running for their lives and Hilda is probably making out with her girlfriend

**CEO of Racism:** Should we have protected her

**fish man lorenz:** Thinking about it now, maybe not.

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**lazy ass hoe:** bitch i heard u talkin shit about me

**fish man lorenz:** Run.

  
**Ferdiefetch’d:** Fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> H u b e r t   
w h y


	14. Leonie could give less of a crap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonie and Claude and Raphael do exactly what you think.

**Golden Deer Group Chat :)**

**Be There or Square Up is online.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha is online.**

**Be There or Square Up:** HEY EVERYBODY! :D

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Raphael how come you never told us you work at stop and shop

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** We could trade stories about weird ass customers

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: **i wanna hear this it sounds good

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I went back through the chat and saw something about hubert killing you for some reason

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** wait wtf

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hubert is scary as hell 

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** why is he killing me

**Be There or Square Up:** OH NO D:

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Something about edelgards new name in the chat

**Be There or Square Up:** HOW BAD COULD IT BE? :/

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** oh shit

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** its bitchlord

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i said just call herself bitch because its a power move

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hilda said to call her edgelord

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** so we combined the names into bitchlord

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** which is very funny lmao

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hubert must think we insulted her 

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** oh goddess

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: **does anyone know where the hell he is

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** No fucking clue

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Holy shit

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I just saw edelgard

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** She fucking nyoomed

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Her cape was floating like djhjhjgfd

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** She might be tryna stop hubert

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: **WHERE THE FUCK WAS SHE GOING MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE HERE

**Be There or Square Up:** DO YOU WANT ME TO FIND HUBERT AND SUPLEX HIM? :(

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: **YES RAPHAEL GO

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: **F I N D H I M

**Be There or Square Up:** ON IT! :D

**Be There or Square Up is offline.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Claude wtf

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** How did this even happen

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** bitchlord was too funny to let go

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** the name bitchlord is just

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** funny

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** are you a bitchy lord

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** or lord of the bitches

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** its beautiful

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** also wtf is that sound

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i was just looking for dimitris weird weed book

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** What the actual fuck

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Dimitri has a weed book

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** yeah he found this random ass book somewhere around the monastery

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** and he read that like

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** idfk

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** in between the weeds u can find edible plants or some shit

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** How come there are just random books all around the monastery

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** And why did dimitri wanna try this one out of any dumb fact he couldve found

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** idk maybe he was excited about weeds

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** thinking back on it i never want to think that dimitri could possibly be a stoner

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Stoner dimitri is a scary mind image

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I never wanna think about that ever again

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** s t o n e r d i m i t r i

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha has changed the chat’s name from Golden Deer Group Chat :) to Stoner Dimitri.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i regret nothing

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I hate this

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** looking back on it this was a shitty idea ok

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i cant change it so soon after just making it a cursed name

  
**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** so i need to fucking keep it okay

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Your dignity can eat my ass

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Fix this

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** no

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** oh shit i hear something

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Its probably hubert lmao

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ah fuck this shit im out

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha is offline.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Ngl hubert is scary

  
**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** But claude deserves this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit short but like the chase doesn't stop here so be ready homies


	15. Where is Hubert?: The Series

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where is Hubert? Wherever he is, I bet he's doing exactly what you think.

**Black Eagles Strategy**

**Bitchlord is online.**

**Bitchlord:** Does anyone know where Hubert is? Please, this message is of the utmost importance. Everybody, we need to stop him before he kills Claude and Hilda.

**sleepy time bitch hoe is online.**

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** whatd he do this time 

**Bitchlord:** You see my new name, correct?

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** yeah lmao

**Bitchlord:** Claude, Hilda, and I all agreed on it together. 

**Bitchlord:** However, Hubert seems to think that the two called me a bitch.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ew id never wish angery hubert upon even my worst enemies

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** speaking of which hubert has anger issues doesnt he

**Bitchlord:** Hubert does not have anger issues. Rather, the idea to protect me from any harm, no matter how small, has been ingrained in him since he was a child. He is acting this way solely because he desires to protect me.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ok but that isnt an excuse 

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** he cant just go around killing people lmao

**Bitchlord:** I understand that, which is why I am trying to find him.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** id offer to help you but

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** im reading up on this book about crests in the library

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** quite fascinating if i do say so myself

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over is online.**

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** sup linhardt

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** hello caspar

**Bitchlord:** Caspar,would you happen to be free right now?

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** yep what up

**Bitchlord:** Hubert is trying to kill Claude and Hilda. Could you come with me to go look for him and restrain him before he can cause any harm?

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** i mean sure why not

**Bitchlord:** Are you serious?

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** yeah im down where you at edelgard

**Bitchlord:** I am currently running towards the dining hall. I will be there within five minutes.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** perfect im already there ill log off and look out for you then

**Bitchlord:** Thank you, Caspar. This means the world to me.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** no prob i guess lol

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over is offline. **

**Bitchlord: ** Linhardt, could you try and calculate how easy it will be to find Hubert?

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ill try gimme a sec

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ill be back as soon as its done

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** also you owe me for this

**Bitchlord:** Please hurry.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** i noticed youve been running this entire time or something

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** how the hell does that work

**Bitchlord:** I hold my phone right in front of my face, typing very violently and as fast as I can. Once the message is sent, I drop my arms to my side and keep running. I believe the loss in constant speed will be repaid tenfold by having more people search for Hubert.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** that sounds extremely unnecessary and overly dramatic

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** but who am i to judge

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** lmao im out ill get your numbers no worries

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** how many of you are looking for hubert

**Bitchlord:** To my knowledge, it is just Caspar and I.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** your odds already arent looking that good you know

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** thats all i needed, ill be going now

**sleepy time bitch hoe is offline.**

**I am Confusion is online.**

**I am Confusion:** Hello, Edelgard!

**Bitchlord:** Hello, Petra. How are you faring this day?

**I am Confusion:** Excellent. Dorothea and I have been hearing… er have heard Bernadetta’s call for help from the Stop and Shop. We are giving her the helping with her groceries. We are having closeness to the monastery now.

**Bitchlord:** Would you, Dorothea, and Bernie mind helping me out with something?

**I am Confusion:** What are you needing? And when will it have happening?

**Bitchlord:** Hubert is trying to kill Claude and Hilda. They are innocent, and they do not deserve this.

**I am Confusion:** Are you asking for help in the locating of Hubert?

**Bitchlord:** Yes, Petra. 

**Bitchlord:** It would be greatly appreciated if all three of you could come.

**I am Confusion: ** I will be asking Dorothea now. 

**Bitchlord:** You have my gratitude, Petra.

**Hot Thot is online.**

**Hot Thot:** sup edie u need some help

**Bitchlord:** Yes, with containing Hubert.

**Hot Thot:** ok i see

**I am Confusion:** We can be looking for him together! We are having more… uh, we will be more prepared to locate him together!

**Hot Thot:** tru hubie does seem like the type to resist capture

**Hot Thot:** alright petra and i will be over in a hot second

**Hot Thot:** bernies just gonna deny so well drop her off first

**Hot Thot:** well be there in five

**I am Confusion:** Where are we going to have the meeting up?

**Bitchlord:** I am meeting Caspar at the dining hall, but if you are dropping Bernadetta off at her room first, we can meet you there.

**I am Confusion:** I am having gratitude, Edelgard!

**Hot Thot:** aight were just about at bernies

**Hot Thot:** well be waiting for you here

**I am Confusion:** I am hoping you are ready for a chase, lovely Dorothea.

**Hot Thot:** with u baby id chase hubie down any day

**I am Confusion is offline.**

**Hot Thot is offline.**

**Bitchlord:** I do hope that they are here soon.

**Bitchlord:** Ah, I see Caspar! I will be off.

**Bitchlord is offline.**

**sleepy time bitch hoe is online.**

**sleepy time bitch hoe: ** edelgard ihave your numbers

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** with just caspar and u the odds are less than three percent with finding hubert

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** wait 

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** dorothea and petra too

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** are you kidding me

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** i have to redo the entire thing

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** goddess almighty help me

**sleepy time bitch hoe is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally Hubert what


	16. Sylvain the Man Whore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sylvain, the man whore, doing exactly what you'd expect.

**Blue Lions Rawr XD**

**Mercedes Benz is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** hello mercedes ;)

**Mercedes Benz:** Hello, Sylvain! :) How are you doing today?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: **better now that ive talked to u ;)

**Mercedes Benz: **Sylvain, you know that I’m dating Annette, correct? :)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i know ok i just need to practice my flirting skills

**Mercedes Benz:** Okay, Felix! Remember what I said earlier though! :)

**Mercedes Benz:** Speaking of earlier, did you ever talk to Felix? And did you like your brownies? You grabbed a handful, then ran for your life. I wasn’t even able to ask you how they were. :(

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** aw mercie u always kno how to make me smile

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** ur brownies are like fucking cocaine theyre good as hell, im addicted to them, and i cant help wanting more

**Mercedes Benz:** That’s a very nice compliment, but I do hope you’re not doing drugs :)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** id never drugs ruin your teeth

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** my killer smile needs to be preserved

**ANGERY GAY is online.**

**Mercedes Benz:** Perfect! You two can talk! I’ll leave now :)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** mercedes no pls stay

**Mercedes Benz is offline.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** haha what is she talking about lmao

**ANGERY GAY:** Sylvain wtf

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** what do you mean wtf

**ANGERY GAY:** Were so bad at this that mercedes literally had to like

**ANGERY GAY:** Trap us in this chat

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** what is there to talk about

**ANGERY GAY:** You like me

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** haha no i dont haha girls

**ANGERY GAY:** Seriously Sylvain stop with the bull 

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i just wanna have fun before i get forced into a political marriage okay goddess almighty calm down

**Babey 2 is online.**

**Babey 2:** I see I’ve interrupted something rather important, but I would like to notify everyone that Hubert is asking everyone where Claude and Hilda are. I saw Edelgard, Caspar, Dorothea, and Petra running after him.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** lmao wtf

**ANGERY GAY:** Why tho

**Babey 2:** No clue, but I also saw Dedue carrying Dimitri with one hand back to his room.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** should we follow them lol

**ANGERY GAY:** One squad goes after edelgard the other squad goes after dedue

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** this shit with hubert sounds funny lmao ashe where did u see them

**Babey 2:** They were near the greenhouse, but they were running quite quickly. They were heading in the direction of the Reception Hall.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** awesome peace out

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is offline.**

**ANGERY GAY:** He never answered my question what the fuck

**CEO of Racism is online.**

**CEO of Racism:** Hey what the hell happened here

**ANGERY GAY:** Sylvain wont tell me he likes me and ashe saw hubert getting chased by edelgard and petra and dorothea and caspar

**CEO of Racism:** What the fick

**CEO of Racism:** How the hell do you spell fuck wrong

**ANGERY GAY:** Lol ingrid cant spell

**CEO of Racism:** I will smack you so hard

**CEO of Racism:** Isn’t there a thing about the gays not being able to spell right

**ANGERY GAY:** Its got the same energy as gays who cant do math and gays who cant drive

**ANGERY GAY:** Speaking of gays sylvain has chaotic bisexual energy

**CEO of Racism:** He really does have chaotic energy

**CEO of Racism:** Honestly tho it’s more like chaotic man whore energy

**ANGERY GAY:** Sylvain needs to fucking figure out what hes gonna do

**CEO of Racism:** What do you want him to say

**Babey 2:** I figure that Felix will want an actual answer, instead of Sylvain’s usual cop outs.

**CEO of Racism:** Do you want us to go find hom

**CEO of Racism:** H I M

**CEO of Racism:** Goddess almighty, I will kill my phone keyboard with a spear and make a pegasus stomp on it

**ANGERY GAY:** Yeah lets go fucking sicko mode on sylvain

**ANGERY GAY:** You guys up for it

**CEO of Racism:** I’m down 

**Babey 2:** I’d be happy to assist!

**ANGERY GAY:** Awesome auto bots roll out

**ANGERY GAY is offline.**

**CEO of Racism is offline.**

**Babey 2 is offline.**

**Dedue date was today??? :O is online.**

  
**Dedue date was today??? :O: **Dare I ask what happened here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short sorry homies next chapter will be a doozy tho


	17. Why are you Running? W H Y are you running???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The staff does exactly what you expect.

**Teaching Time**

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting) is online.**

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting): **what is going on around here? i just saw the students all chasing each other all over the damn place!

**The OG Crest Scholar is online.**

**The OG Crest Scholar:** Manuela.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** hanneman.

**Rules McGee the Boomer is online.**

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I believe this incident has something to do with Edelgard and Hubert, and Edelgard’s new name on a chatting app.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** seteth how the hell do you know what’s going on

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I overheard Hubert screaming for Claude and Hilda, followed by Edelgard and about half of the Black Eagles house. I then saw Raphael behind them, but he seemed to be chasing Hubert instead of the entire group with Edelgard. After him, Sylvain was running as fast as possible, and behind him were Felix, Ingrid, and Ashe.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** goddess almighty these kids are all upset about some shit

**The OG Crest Scholar:** Please watch your profanity, Manuela.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** this is unprofessional, the professor themself said so

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** this is fucking fine

**The OG Crest Scholar:** MANUELA!

**The OG Crest Scholar:** Need I remind you that Flayn is still in this group?

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** she literally saw the professor say fuck

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** she’s innocent, but she sure isn’t stupid

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** We agreed that informality is okay, but Flayn is indeed still in the chat. I would rather that you keep the profanity to a minimum.

**Flayn is online.**

**Flayn:** Hello, everyone!

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Flayn! I did not know you would be entering the group again after the VSCO incident.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** i missed flayn being a vsco girl

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting): **what the actual fuck

**The OG Crest Scholar:** I do not know what VSCO is, and I refuse to ask what it is and embarrass myself further.

**The OG Crest Scholar:** Instead, I would simply like to ask Flayn if she had asked the other students if she could be added to their chat instead of being in the teacher one?

**Flayn:** I wouldn’t know who to ask. I have no knowledge of who is the administrator of each group, so if I kept asking everyone I saw, I would look quite foolish.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** asking the house leaders might be a good idea

**The OG Crest Scholar:** I believe Edelgard is the head of one. It seems likely that Claude and Dimitri have ownership of chats for their own respective houses too.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** maybe you can make an all houses group chat?

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** so even though you technically don’t associate with a house you can still talk with the other students?

**Flayn:** That is a wonderful idea, Manuela! Thank you so much!

**Flayn:** I am going to go and make the group right now!

**Flayn is offline.**

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** see seteth and hanneman

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** i can fucking do it

**The OG Crest Scholar:** You are so incredibly crass and rude. I cannot believe you used to work for an opera company.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** mittlefrank opera company loved me! i just didn’t act like a slob in front of opera customers. let me relax for a bit, won’t you hanneman?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Need I remind both of you that the students are in an uproar right now? It is rather concerning.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** they won’t listen to us haha

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** has anyone seen the new professor?

**The OG Crest Scholar:** The new professor may be able to contain the students. For once, you have given us an excellent idea, Manuela.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** i always give excellent ideas you’re just a bitch hanneman

**Rules McGee the Boomer: **We should split up. Although each group leads to another, it might be best to go after them individually and dissuade them from this chase in smaller groups.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** i can go after my students

**The OG Crest Scholar:** That leaves me with my students.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I can go find the professor and get them to calm down their students. 

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** wonderful, i’ll be off then

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting) is offline.**

**The OG Crest Scholar:** Did you see her conduct here?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I do agree that Manuela can be rather… unprofessional at times.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** However, the students adore her, and she performs well both as a teacher and as a physician.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** We must ignore her unprofessional faults at this time. There are more pressing matters at hand.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I will go find the professor now. I do hope that Manuela is actually looking for her students.

**Rules McGee the Boomer is offline.**

**The OG Crest Scholar: **One day, I must confront Manuela directly about her slovenly behavior.

**The OG Crest Scholar is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yus Byleth comes back eventually they find 'em fishing


	18. Haha get it because Cethleann and fish haha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flayn does exactly what you'd expect

**Flayn is online.**

**Flayn has added Bitchlord, Enderman, Hot Thot, I am Confusion, Mom come pick me up im scared, your nico nico kneecaps hand em over, sleepy time bitch hoe, Ferdiefetch’d, Weed King Dimitri, Dedue date was today??? :O, CEO of Racism, Mercedes Benz, Babey 1, Babey 2, i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*, ANGERY GAY, Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha, lazy ass hoe, equestria girls but gay, Van Gogh but two ears, Be There or Square Up, Actually, I’m Twelve so Shut the Fuck Up, Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my had, boogie woogie woogie, and fish man lorenz to All Houses Group XD.**

**Ferdiefetch’d is online.**

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up is online.**

**Flayn:** Hello, everyone! I have decided to make this group to include all of us in an informal setting!

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** flayn theres already one of these chats

**Flayn:** Oh, really? :(

**Ferdiefetch’d:** No need to fear, Flayn! I can assure you that we can either keep this one and delete the other, or vice versa. Do not worry!

**Flayn:** Thank you, _ @Ferdiefetch’d _ for your help!

**Flayn:** May I ask who everyone is? These names can be quite vague at worst.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Of course, Flayn.

**Ferdiefetch’d:** I am Ferdinand von Aegir.

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** its lysithea

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** hilda is _ @__la__zy ass hoe _

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** marianne is _ @equestria girls but gay _

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** leonie is _@Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie_

**Ferdiefetch’d:** Flayn, are you going to change your name?

**Flayn:** Of course! Let me think of something humorous.

**Flayn:** Ferdinand, would you like me to change your name as well?

**Ferdiefetch’d:** That would be much appreciated. Thank you, Flayn.

**Flayn has changed Flayn’s name to Fishleann.**

**Flayn has changed Ferdiefetch’d’s name to Duke Aegir.**

**Duke Aegir:** Duke Aegir is my father, but I do appreciate the sentiment.

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up: **what about my name flayn

**Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up:** please change it

**Fishleann:** I am on it, Lysithea!

**Fishleann has changed Actually, I’m Twelve, so Shut the Fuck Up’s name to cake queen uwu.**

**cake queen uwu:** i never thought flayn could be this savage oml

**Duke Aegir:** 911 there’s been a murder

**Fishleann:** Don’t mess with me! I have the power of the goddess and anime on my side!

**cake queen uwu:** omg she knows vines

**cake queen uwu:** flayn ur cool as hell

**Fishleann:** I am legally not allowed to say the f word by my brother.

**cake queen uwu: **lmao the fuck word

**Duke Aegir: **Flayn should never say fuck.

**cake queen uwu:** agreed 

**cake queen uwu:** shes too pure

**Fishleann:** My brother would be inclined to agree.

**Bitchlord is online.**

**Bitchlord:** Flayn, hello. Have you seen Hubert anywhere?

**Flayn:** In fact, I did! I just saw him by the market.

**Bitchlord:** JOIN ME IN MY SEARCH FOR HUBERT! HE WILL NOT KILL CLAUDE OR HILDA ON THIS DAY!

**Duke Aegir:** I will be there in just a minute. Where are you currently?

**Bitchlord:** By the Reception Hall.

**Duke Aegir:** I will be there. Signing off.

**Duke Aegir is offline.**

**cake queen uwu:** do you need me too

**Bitchlord:** Do you want Claude to die?

**cake queen uwu:** sometimes but not right now

**cake queen uwu:** ill head out

**cake queen uwu is offline.**

**Bitchlord:** Flayn, would you like to accompany us as well?

**Fishleann:** Sure! However, I would like to warn you that running and confronting Hubert are not two of my specialties.

**Bitchlord:** Wonderful. Meet up with us here.

**Bitchlord is offline.**

**Fishleann:** I am rather glad that they have accepted me so willingly. I hope that I do not disappoint them!

**Fishleann is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flayn knows vines


	19. Please Close your Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marianne and Hilda do exactly what you'd expect

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**lazy ass hoe has added equestria girls but gay, cake queen uwu, and Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie to Golden Girls Lmao.**

**equestria girls but gay is online.**

**equestria girls but gay: ** hhi hil,da

**lazy ass hoe:** hey marianne

**equestria girls but gay:** whhy diud uou make this chat

**lazy ass hoe:** everybody will make fun of me in the regular chat if im all over you there

**lazy ass hoe:** i figure here well only get bullied by lysithea and leonie and neither of them are gonna be all like ew gross die

**lazy ass hoe:** i mean yeah theyll yell at us a bit but not like how claude would

**equestria girls but gay:** ohh ikay

**equestria girls but gay:** hi.lda ii realy apreictae thus

**equestria girls but gay:** sorry im aalways so nervous in thee big groip chat

**equestria girls but gay:** i remmeber yoi said befort thst yiu lvoe me

**equestria girls but gay:** and i got realy nervius im sorty

**lazy ass hoe:** marianne youve gotta stop apologizing

**lazy ass hoe:** theres nothing to be sorry for

**lazy ass hoe:** marianne i really do love you

**equestria girls but gay:** ive been tryung to get up th e couragr

**equestria girls but gay:** i love yiu too

**lazy ass hoe is offline.**

**equestria girls but gay:** h.ilda

**equestria girls but gay: ** dud isay somethign wrong 

**equestria girls but gay:** goddess above please let me atone for my sins

**equestria girls but gay:** hilda i,msorr y

**equestria girls but gay:** i wiuls nevre wamna hirt youo

**equestria girls but gay is offline.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie is online.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie: ** Literally what the fuck is happening

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I just saw fucking everybody run

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** And I needed to ask fuckign Marianne for some notes

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** AND I OPEN THE DOOR AND SHE’S MAKING OUT WITH HILDA 

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie: ** Useless gays

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Well, useless lesbian and useless bisexual

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Goddess dammit

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I never wanna see that shit ever again

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I never thought marianne could be like that urgh

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I wanna scar lysithea so here we go

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Marianne was going sicko mode

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** SHE HAD HILDA FUCKING PINNED TO THE DOOR

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Idk i knew hilda was fucking lazy

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** But like

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Either marianne is a hardcore top or hilda is just too fucking lazy to top marianne

**cake queen uwu is online.**

**cake queen uwu:** what the fuck leonie

**cake queen uwu: ** im fucking running so claude doesnt die

**cake queen uwu:** i dont wanna hear about marianne and hildas sex life

**cake queen uwu:** why would you do this to me

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Idk scarring you is funny

**cake queen uwu:** goddess almighty

**cake queen uwu:** i just ran by them

**cake queen uwu:** their door really shouldnt be open

**cake queen uwu:** i had to fucking close it

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** What did you see lmao

**cake queen uwu: ** too much

**cake queen uwu:** too fucking much

**cake queen uwu:** this shit nasty

**cake queen uwu:** i never wanna see those two ever again

**cake queen uwu:** theyre actually so nasty

**cake queen uwu:** i hate this

**cake queen uwu:** the only thing i like about this chat is that its called golden girls

**cake queen uwu:** that was smart good job hilda

**cake queen uwu:** but i immediately take it back because i never wanna see marianne and you together ever again

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Those two should just talk in dms

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Like wow just use those

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Were less likely to smack them like claude would but still

**cake queen uwu:** i hate this

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Also wtf about claude dying

**cake queen uwu: ** hubert is trying to kill him and hilda

**cake queen uwu:** he thought they called edelgard a bitch

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Hubert is creepy as hell

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Do you want some help

**cake queen uwu:** sure why not

**cake queen uwu:** meet me at the greenhouse in five

**cake queen uwu is offline.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Lmao what the hap is fuckening 

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie is offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marianne what the hecky


	20. The Thrilling Conclusion to the Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubert finally stops running, but he still does exactly what you'd think.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) is online.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has added Enderman, Bitchlord, lazy ass hoe, Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha, Be There or Square Up, Babey 2, equestria girls but gay, Duke Aegir, cake queen uwu, your nico nico kneecaps hand em over, ANGERY GAY, CEO of Racism, Hot Thot, I am Confusion, i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*, and Van Gogh but two ears to Stop Running.**

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** I have heard reports of each of you running around the monastery like wild geese. What is making you run like this?

**Enderman is online.**

**Enderman:** Professor, Claude and Hilda called Lady Edelgard a bitch. I am simply trying to find them to dole out my punishment.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** I do not think killing them will solve anything. Not to mention that since you are such an imposing figure by yourself, they most likely did not mean anything bad on purpose.

**Enderman:** I still must punish them for their faults. Nobody gets away with saying such slander about Lady Edelgard.

**Bitchlord is online.**

**Bitchlord:** Hubert, I have finally found you. You know that Claude and HIlda meant nothing by it, correct? We all decided on the name together, as a group.

**Bitchlord:** Hubert, this misunderstanding has gone on for long enough.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Hubert, why did you not listen to Edelgard? I know that her word is your law, yet you disobeyed here and started a chase with almost the entire student body of Garreg Mach.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha is online.**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** professor omg save us

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** please

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hubert is actively trying to kill us

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** please teach

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i know sometimes i might be maybe sorta kinda not really but a little bit obnoxious

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Claude, you’re really not as obnoxious as you think you are.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** You’re still fairly obnoxious, however.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Hubert, you must stop chasing Hilda and Claude. It was just a misunderstanding.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over: ** hubert edelgard is a bitch tho

**Enderman:** Caspar, I am coming for you right now. I am going to make you apologize to my lady, or you will die.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Hubert, no killing. Caspar, no cursing here.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Unless it’s damn, damn is like a 2 out of 10 on the swear severity scale.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** whats the highest on the scale lmao

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Like I would give a bunch of teenagers that much power.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** It is definitely above the caliber of the f bomb though.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: ** teach knows the fuck word

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ah shit

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i mean uh

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** crap

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** goddess dammit

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Claude, this is why we can’t have nice things.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** You should know that I highly disapprove of cursing, especially in the presence of your teacher.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** professor i heard you say fuck once

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing): ** That is irrelevant.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** lmao caspar when

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing): ** Claude, Caspar, this is irrelevant.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** omfg

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** professor says fuck

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** No, I do not.

**Bitchlord:** Professor, please give me administrator permissions.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** Why?

**Bitchlord:** It will get Hubert to stop running.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** As you wish. I really do hope this plan works.

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing) has given Bitchlord administrator permissions.**

**Bitchlord has changed Enderman’s name to Scum of the Empire, Please Listen to the Professor. It was not Claude or Hilda’s Fault.**

**Scum of the Empire, Please Listen to the Professor. It was not Claude or Hilda’s Fault:** Lady Edelgard, I do not think this name fits me.

**Bitchlord:** It does not have to fit you. It is supposed to make a point.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** LET THE PROFESSOR SAY FUCK

**MILF (Man I Love Fishing):** I refuse to use such profanity. Not now, not ever, and not even in private.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** professor who gave you that name then lol

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** dont you know what it stands for usually

**Scum of the Empire, Please Listen to the Professor. It was not Claude or Hilda’s Fault:** My lady, would you like me to stop chasing Claude and Hilda?

**Bitchlord:** Yes! For the goddess’ sake, yes.

**Bitchlord:** Hubert, I know you feel an irrational need to protect me as if I am just a mere child. However, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. You need to have more faith in me. I will be the Emperor of the Adrestian Empire one day. I will be able to do things by myself then, so I must be ready now to do things by myself.

**Bitchlord:** Not to mention that if Claude or Hilda did ever call me a bitch, I would make them stop immediately. They are jokers, but they are not stupid.

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** thank you edelgard

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i have dumbass energy, but am not a dumbass

**Bitchlord:** That is debatable at best.

**Bitchlord:** Hubert, can you please stop trying to kill Claude and Hilda?

**Scum of the Empire, Please Listen to the Professor. It was not Claude or Hilda’s Fault:** I feel awful that I have disappointed you. I am so sorry, Lady Edelgard.

**Bitchlord:** Hubert, you must listen to me in the future. Disobeying me or not hearing an order from me in the future could cause us a war.

**Scum of the Empire, Please Listen to the Professor. It was not Claude or Hilda’s Fault:** Understood, Lady Edelgard.

**Scum of the Empire, Please Listen to the Professor. It was not Claude or Hilda’s Fault:** Could you please change my name to something less accusatory?

**Bitchlord: ** Of course.

**Bitchlord has changed Scum of the Empire, Please Listen to the Professor. It was not Claude or Hilda’s Fault’s name to He’s Just Standing There, Menacingly!.**

**Bitchlord: ** Ah, there was one more reason why I wanted the administrator permissions.

**Bitchlord has changed MILF (Man I Love Fishing)’s name to Let the Professor say Fuck.**

**Let the Professor say Fuck: ** Edelgard, I thought I could trust you to be responsible with those.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** lmao i love this thank you edelgard

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** let the professor say fuck am i right

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** good job professor

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** Goddess damn it.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** professor omg

  
**Let the Professor say Fuck:** All of you are why I can no longer have nice things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chase is finally over! Poor Hubert, this is so sad I will 100% cry


	21. Did anyone do the homework

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linhardt does exactly what you'd expect

**All Houses Group XD**

**sleepy time bitch hoe is online.**

**Be There or Square Up is online.**

**Be There or Square Up:** HI LINHARDT! :D

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** raphael did you do the homework

**Be There or Square Up: ** DID YOU HAVE STRATEGY HOMEWORK TOO?

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** yes the one with the reading and the calculations

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** i was too busy researching crests to do it

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** i also took a nap

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** so i didnt do shit

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** can i have the answers please

**Be There or Square Up:** SURE!

**Be There or Square Up:** FOR THE FIRST MATH ANSWER, I GOT 12!

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** i just did it rn and i got 13

**I am Confusion is online.**

**I am Confusion:** Hello, everyone. Are you having the trouble with our homework?

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** yes i got 13 and raphael got 12 and i just need the right answers

**I am Confusion:** The answer you are having is for the first question in the mathematics section?

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** yes

**I am Confusion:** I am having the answer of 5.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** omg none of us can fucking agree

**ANGERY GAY is online.**

**ANGERY GAY:** You didnt do homework lmao

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** yes shut the fuck up

**ANGERY GAY:** I got 7

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** why do all of us have different answers

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** raphael and i had it like a digit away

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** but you and petra are like 10 numbers away from us omg

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** the professor will kill me

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** can someone smart please come online

**Mercedes Benz is online.**

**Mercedes Benz:** Hello, everyone! :)

**Mercedes Benz:** Are you checking over your answers from the homework last night?

**sleepy time bitch hoe: ** yes what did u get

**Mercedes Benz:** Well, the answer I got was the mighty goddess herself!

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** what the actual fuck

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** were you on the math section

**Babey 1 is online.**

**Babey 1:** Mercie, I got 3 for that one!

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** what the actual fuck is going on

**He’s Just Standing There, Menacingly! is online.**

**He’s Just Standing There, Menacingly!:** For that assignment, I got 17/35.

**Bitchlord is online.**

**Bitchlord:** However, I got 35/17 for that one.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** someone just give me the right fucking answer

**CEO of Racism is online.**

**CEO of Racism:** I got racism.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** how the fuck do you get racism for a math question

**Dedue date was today??? :O is online.**

**Dedue date was today??? :O: ** Ingrid, I believe the answer was to stop being discriminatory.

**fish man lorenz is online.**

**fish man lorenz:** For the first question, I deduced that the answer was C.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over is online.**

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** i got george washington

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** who the fuck is that

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** i dont fucking know

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** i just got him

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** did he wash tons of clothing for a living

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** why else would he be named washington

**Weed King Dimitri is online.**

**Weed King Dimitri:** I received the answer of edile plants.

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Your Highness, please do not eat the weeds.

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**lazy ass hoe:** wait we had homework

**ANGERY GAY:** Hilda what the fuck

**ANGERY GAY:** I just saw you walk by

**ANGERY GAY: ** Did a mosquito fucking bite you or something

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** lmao is this what i think it is

**lazy ass hoe:** yeah a mosquito bit me

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** bullshit you were snogging marianne

**lazy ass hoe:** shut the fuck up twink ass bitch

**lazy ass hoe:** i love marianne

**lazy ass hoe:** not my fault shes cute and hot all in one

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** i am not a twink

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** youre more of a twink than i am

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** shut the up

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** im not a twink

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** yes you are

**lazy ass hoe:** yes you are

**I am Confusion:** Indeed, you are what the people of Fódlan are calling a “twink.”

**ANGERY GAY:** Chaotic little twink energy

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** what the fuck

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** Linhardt, you are getting detention.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** caspar what the fuck

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** This is your professor.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** You should not be on your phones in class.

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** You should definitely not be trying to finish homework now that you should have had done yesterday.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ah shit

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** sorry professor

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** i got sleepy

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** and i was reading a book on crests

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** ill have the next one ready on time okay

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over:** Excellent. Now, I will confiscate all of your phones.

**sleepy time bitch hoe:** goddess dammit

**sleepy time bitch hoe is offline.**

**your nico nico kneecaps hand em over is offline.**

**CEO of Racism is offline.**

**Dedue date was today??? :O is offline. **

**Weed King Dimitri is offline.**

**Babey 1 is offline.**

**Mercedes Benz is offline.**

**Be There or Square Up is offline.**

**ANGERY GAY is offline.**

**fish man lorenz is offline.**

**He’s Just Standing There, Menacingly! is offline.**

**Bitchlord is offline.**

**I am Confusion is offline.**

**lazy ass hoe: ** fuck professor i forgot to do it goddess dammit

**lazy ass hoe is offline.**

**Fishleann is online.**

  
**Fishleann: ** What happened here? :O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys what did you get I got 98.3


	22. Sylvain Fesses Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sylvain fesses up, doing exactly what you'd expect.

**Blue Lions Rawr XD**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** for anyone who missed it in the group chat

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** professor says fuck

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** thank you

**CEO of Racism is online.**

**CEO of Racism:** What the fuck

**CEO of Racism:** I was too busy chasing you to look at the chat 

**CEO of Racism:** What did the professor say

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** fuck

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** the professor said fuck

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** they insisted that they didnt say fuck but their name is literally milf

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** so i dont believe them

**Babey 2 is online.**

**Babey 2:** But don’t we still need to chase Sylvain? He never answered Felix.

**CEO of Racism:** Shit you’re right Ashe

**CEO of Racism: ** Sylvain we’re on your tsil

**CEO of Racism:** Tail*

**CEO of Racism:** I would like to kill my keyboard with a spear, then get somebody to fix it so it actually works.

**Babey 2:** We need to go find Sylvain though. I’ll be back online after I catch him.

**Babey 2 is offline.**

**Mercedes Benz is online.**

**Mercedes Benz:** Sylvain, I’m ashamed of you! :( I told you to talk it out with Felix!

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i did and now him and ashe and ingrid are all trying to kill me

**CEO of Racism: ** Lmao I’m gonna go now

**CEO of Racism:** Sylvain better watch out

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** goddess dammit ingrid

**CEO of Racism is offline.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** ingrid youre a girl so id never hit you

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** but i really wanna

**Mercedes Benz:** Remember what I said about treating women like objects, Sylvain! :) We can take care of ourselves, and we can definitely take a hit! (ง'̀-'́)ง

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** damn mercedes out here using the lil emoji dudes

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** like theyre not even emojis but theyre so beautiful and detailed

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** do you have the keyboard for the lil emoji faces

**Mercedes Benz:** I do, but I don’t use it that often. :P I like sticking with the ones you can make just with the keyboard.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** ah shit

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i see felix and ashe and ingrid 

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** fuck theyre surrounding me

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** mercedes help me

**Mercedes Benz:** Oh Sylvain, you brought this upon yourself! >:)

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** no mercedes please

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is offline.**

**Mercedes Benz:** I guess that’s what he deserves! >:)

**Babey 1 is online.**

**Babey 1:** Hello, Mercie!

**Mercedes Benz:** Good afternoon, Annie! :)

**Babey 1:** What happened here?

**Mercedes Benz:** Sylvain is finally going to fess up to his feelings! :)

**Babey 1:** Oh, is he finally going to tell Felix that he likes him?

**Mercedes Benz:** Hopefully, unless he runs away again! :)

**ANGERY GAY is online.**

**ANGERY GAY:** We got sylvain

**Mercedes Benz:** Good luck, Felix! :)

**Babey 1:** Good luck!

**ANGERY GAY:** Hes trying to get loose

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: ** ANNETTE MERCEDES PLEASE

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is offline.**

**Mercedes Benz:** Felix, why don’t you go offline and talk to him face to face? :O

**ANGERY GAY:** We can trap him both irl and here

**ANGERY GAY:** Hell spill eventually

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* is online.**

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** please stop i give

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** let me go

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** fine ill talk

**CEO of Racism is online.**

**CEO of Racism:** We got him, finally

**Babey 2 is online.**

**Babey 2:** Alright Sylvain, tell Felix what you think of him.

**Weed King Dimitri is online.**

**Dedue date was today??? :O is online.**

**Weed King Dimitri:** Do tell us, Sylvain.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** why is everyone fucking online now 

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** goddess dammit

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** It truly is the least you can do. You have left Felix and the entire house in a state of disarray for quite some time now.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i hate all of you

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i like girls

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: ** look at my name

**CEO of Racism:** You could be a rampant bisexual.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** does it matter

**Babey 2:** Indeed, it does.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** okay so you guys think im dorothea

**CEO of Racism:** Dorothea has much better standards than you do.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** you offered her a ring and she accepted and violently flirted with you 

**CEO of Racism:** Shut the helk up

**CEO of Racism:** GODDESS ALMIGHTY

**CEO of Racism:** Hell*

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** ingrid is gay

**CEO of Racism:** You are too

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** im not fucking gay for felix

**CEO of Racism:** Yes, you are

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** im not even saying it as an insult i just do not want to date felix

**CEO of Racism:** Are you sure about that?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** yes

**CEO of Racism:** So you don’t like Felix?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** no

**Babey 2:** Felix is here, you know.

**ANGERY GAY:** Sylvain is denying it

**ANGERY GAY:** Ive known him since we were fetuses

**ANGERY GAY:** Hes denying it

**ANGERY GAY:** Tell the goddess damned truth sylvain

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** fuck i give up

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i like felix and his dorky man ponytail and his stupid tight shirts and his odd fascination with weapons

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i like when he laughs because it is often but its a good sound and he should laugh more

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i like his eyes theyre really good 

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** the goddess decided to give him good looks and scorned everyone else including myself but i still got enough to get the ladies to love me

**ANGERY GAY:** You finally fucking said it

**CEO of Racism:** Sylvain omg

**Babey 1:** Wow, Sylvain :O

**Mercedes Benz:** Sylvain, I’m so proud of you! :)

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** The main question now is if Felix likes Sylvain back.

**Babey 2:** Felix, what do you say?

**ANGERY GAY:** Im gonna save some women

**ANGERY GAY:** And by some women i mean all women

**ANGERY GAY:** By dating him

**Weed King Dimitri: ** I am glad that this situation has come to a conclusion. Felix, Sylvain, I am very happy for you.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** you dont even sound excited you just landed the hottest snack in the monastery

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** well besides all the lovely ladies

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i am the hottest snack at the monastery besides every living woman okay

**Babey 2:** I am not quite sure what is happening. Are you two dating?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** yes

**ANGERY GAY:** Only to save all women

**Babey 1:** So is that a yes?

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: ** sure

**ANGERY GAY:** I guess

**Mercedes Benz:** Congratulations to both of you! :)

**Weed King Dimitri:** I am glad that there is a new couple in the house. We need to make a ship name for you two.

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** We are Demitri or Didue.

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** DIDUE LMAO

**Mercedes Benz:** Annie and I are best friends! We have some childhood friend name! :)

**CEO of Racism:** Sylvix.

**Babey 2:** That one fits perfectly!

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** That does indeed match quite well.

**Weed King Dimitri:** I am so proud of both of you. Sylvain, you opening up about your feelings was much needed.

**ANGERY GAY:** How come his part of the names first

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** i guess i top lmao

**ANGERY GAY:** No

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*: ** felix has bottom energy

**ANGERY GAY:** No i dont you fucks

**CEO of Racism:** Felix is a bottom

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** felix is a bottom

**Babey 2:** I must agree, Felix is a bottom.

**Babey 1:** Felix is a bottom.

**Mercedes Benz:** Felix is a bottom. :)

**Dedue date was today??? :O:** Felix is a bottom.

**Weed King Dimitri:** I have to say that although the origin of this statement was quite odd, I do agree with it.

**ANGERY GAY:** Why the fuck are you all agreeing

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** im gonna do it

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* has changed ANGERY GAY’s name to felix is a bottom.**

**felix is a bottom: ** I am not a fucking bottom what the fuck

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** yes you are

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** its either this name or angry slut

**felix is a bottom:** Sylvain just fucking change it

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine* has changed felix is a bottom’s name to Angry Slut (Bottom).**

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Theres no way to express how much i hate this

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** felix is a bottom lol

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** youre beautiful babe

**i am disgusted, i am revolted, i dedicate my whole life to our lord and savior girls, and this is the thanks i get? *gets into washing machine*:** even if youre a bottom

  
**Angry Slut (Bottom): ** Literally what the fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your wonderful answers to that question. However, the answer that the professor was looking for was none of the answers you provided. Stay tuned to learn what it was!


	23. Naruto Running, and Flayn is Savage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flayn does exactly what you'd expect

**All Houses Group XD**

**Angry Slut (Bottom) is online.**

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Im not a fucking bottom

**Hot Thot is online.**

**Hot Thot:** lmao yes you are

**I am Confusion is online.**

**I am Confusion: ** Hello, lovely Dorothea! You are having the look of radiance about you, as always. Hello, er, _@_ _ Angry Slut (Bottom) _ .

**Hot Thot:** hi bby goddess i love u

**Hot Thot:** angry slut is a bottom

**I am Confusion: ** I would like to be asking why this question arose.

**Hot Thot:** because their name got changed to bottom

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Sylvain changed it

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Dumbass 

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Its felix can someone please change my name to something that isnt bottom

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Who fucking owns this

**I am Confusion:** I am believing that it is Flayn.

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** _@Fishleann_

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** _@Fishleann_

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** _@Fishleann_

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** I cant be stuck like this for too long hurry  _ @Fishleann _

**Van Gogh but two ears is online.**

**Van Gogh but two ears:** Hello, everyone! Felix, is that you?

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Yes can someone fucking change my name so im not a fucking bottom

**Van Gogh but two ears:** Flayn owns this chat. I have no clue where she is. I see you mentioned her a few times, but she has yet to show up. That is quite odd

**Hot Thot:** yeah usually she answers w/in a couple messages when mentioned

**I am Confusion:** I would be liking to know where she is also. Flayn is wanting some knowledge of Brigid. She had not told me yet when she was wanting to meet up.

**Hot Thot:** also did anybody notice that edie was fucking naruto running lol

**Van Gogh but two ears:** I missed this chase. I was researching some topics for my next painting, so I could hopefully capture the experience and atmosphere fully. I didn’t know I would be missing this much. It feels like missing a war.

**I am Confusion:** Indeed, I was seeing Edelgard do the running of Naruto.

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Hokage von hresvelg

**Hot Thot:** emperor naruto

**I am Confusion:** May I be suggesting Hokage Edelgard Uzumaki?

**Van Gogh:** I didn’t see her, but I’d like to offer Naruto von Hresvelg?

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** These are all good

**cake queen uwu is online.**

**cake queen uwu: ** what the hap is fuckening

**Hot Thot:** lysithea ur twelve shut the fuck up

**cake queen uwu:** that was my name for so long on this goddess damned app

**Hot Thot:** u need to watch ur profanity

**cake queen uwu:** no i give the fuck up

**cake queen uwu:** fuck you

**cake queen uwu:** im not fucking twelve

**Hot Thot:** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpigjnKl7nI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpigjnKl7nI)

**cake queen uwu:** that better not be the fucking watch ur profanity vine thing

**fish man lorenz is online.**

**fish man lorenz:** Lysithea, what seems to be plaguing you? Did you hear the stories about the ghost in the library?

**cake queen uwu:** im not afraid of any ghosts

**Hot Thot:** yes u r

**I am Confusion:** I would be liking to please you, but I am knowing that you are indeed afraid of ghosts.

**Van Gogh but two ears:** Lysithea, is everything okay? Did the ghost stories really rattle you?

**cake queen uwu: ** no they didnt

**cake queen uwu:** they were just a lil creepy

**cake queen uwu:** ashe mentioned it and explained it all in detail and now im a lil creeped out

**Babey 2 is online.**

**Babey 2:** Lysithea, are you telling everyone about the ghost stories I heard?

**Mercedes Benz is online.**

**Mercedes Benz:** Oh, I love ghost stories! :)

**cake queen uwu:** goddess dammit

**cake queen uwu:** stop talking about the ghosts

**cake queen uwu:** and stop patronizing me

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**lazy ass hoe: **i dont give a fuck about what just happened

**lazy ass hoe: **vibe check

**Hot Thot:** i get stabbed immediately

**I am Confusion:** I am having the fear, and I run into the woods to escape your feared vibe check.

**fish man lorenz: ** I retain my dignity, and I hold my head up high. I do not want to get a vibe check, but I will have one anyway.

**Mercedes Benz:** They’ll pry my sweets from my cold, dead hands! >:(

**cake queen uwu:** what the hap is fuckening

**lazy ass hoe:** vibe check lysithea

**lazy ass hoe:** like u got it at a store u like

**cake queen uwu:** okay fine uh

**cake queen uwu:** got a vibe check at claires

**lazy ass hoe:** how was it

**cake queen uwu:** what do i say now

**lazy ass hoe:** anything

**lazy ass hoe: ** dorothea literally said she got murdered

**cake queen uwu:** uh ill get back to you on that

**lazy ass hoe:** also edelgard watches anime

**Hot Thot:** i would like to suggest the name edie-chan

**lazy ass hoe:** pfffft

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** That sounds perfect.

**Bitchlord is online.**

**Bitchlord:** Hello, everybody.

**Fishleann is online.**

**Fishleann:** Good afternoon, everybody!

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** FLAYN FIX MY NAME

**Hot Thot:** flayn for the love of the goddess please change edies name to edie-chan

**Fishleann has changed Bitchlord’s name to Edie-Chan.**

**Edie-Chan: ** Why did you do this to me?

**Fishleann:** Is there a certain name you want, Felix?

**Angry Slut (Bottom):** Please just change it id be fine with anything

**I am Confusion:** Edelgard, it is because you have been observed watching the anime. Dorothea has also seen you doing the running of Naruto.

**Fishleann has changed Angry Slut (Bottom)’s name to Anything >:).**

**Anything >:):** What the fuck flayn

**Fishleann:** You said you’d be fine with anything! 

  
**Anything >:):** W h y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay Edelgard Uzumaki or Naruto von Hresvelg


	24. The Gatekeeper finally gets added

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gatekeeper does exactly what you'd think

**Teaching Time**

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya is online.**

**Let the Professor say Fuck is online. **

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** Lady Rhea, I have a question to ask you.

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** I would be pleased to answer it.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** How were you able to change your name? I thought that only the administrator could do it.

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** The goddess has her ways of showing who she favors.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** I’m not going to completely trust you, but I refuse to denounce you. You are my boss, after all.

**Let the Professor say Fuck: ** Also, I was wondering if any of you had objections toward me adding the gatekeeper into this group.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** He is not a teacher, but he is part of the staff. It would simply be more effective to have him here.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting) is online.**

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** hey professor sup lady rhea

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** i’m all for adding the gatekeeper

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** he’s a nice guy and he’s chill

**Rules McGee the Boomer is online.**

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I agree. You can add the gatekeeper here.

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** Excellent idea, Professor. Feel free to let him join us.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** I’m on it now.

**Let the Professor say Fuck has added Gatekeeper to Teaching Time.**

**Gatekeeper is online.**

**Gatekeeper:** Greetings, Professor! Nothing to report today!

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** Excellent. Thank you.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** welcome to the staff chat.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** We hope you enjoy being here. We will use this chat to report and communicate amongst ourselves.

**Gatekeeper:** Thank you for adding me! I look forward to speaking with you!

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting): ** professor may i suggest a name for the gatekeeper

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** What is it?

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** i’m the gate guardian, guardian of the gate. poseidon quivers before him.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** I love that. Thank you, Manuela. Would you be okay with me changing your name?  _ @Gatekeeper _

**Gatekeeper:** Of course! Go ahead! :D

**Let the Professor say Fuck has changed Gatekeeper’s name to I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him).**

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** Manuela, I love how you left out the “fuck off!” at the end. I could never imagine the gatekeeper saying

**I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him):** fuck

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** oh my goddess, who are you and where is the real gatekeeper?

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** This was quite unexpected of you. 

**I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him): ** I figured that the shock factor would be funny. I don’t normally curse, so no need to worry. :)

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** Out of anyone to say that, I would never have expected you to say so.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** The students decided on this name for me because Caspar heard me say “fuck” once.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** i was so fucking careful what the fuck

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** either way i need a new name

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** so let’s hear it

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** I would like to suggest Professor. It is short, sweet, and gets the point across.

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** you should change it back so we can match! i have often seen you fishing anyway.

**I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him):** One time, I saw you almost phase through a horse. It was quite terrifying. :O

**I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him): ** Perhaps the Phantom Professor?

**Thunder Catherine is online.**

**Thunder Catherine:** Speaking of matching names, can Shamir be Lightning?

**I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him): ** Hello, Catherine! I just got added here.

**Let the Professor say Fuck: ** I added the Gatekeeper in just a few minutes ago.

**Thunder Catherine:** Why did you leave out the fuck off at the end?

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** Because none of us can ever imagine the Gatekeeper saying 

**I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him):** fuck

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** goddess almighty gatekeeper everytime you say fuck i lose a brain cell

**I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him): ** Sorry, I have to keep saying it. It’s just too funny! :P

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** i will never get used to the gatekeeper saying fuck

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** hey professor why not change the gatekeeper’s name to match yours?

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** That’s a good idea, Manuela.

**Let the Professor say Fuck has changed I’m the Gate Guardian, Guardian of the Gate (Poseidon Quivers Before Him)’s name to Let the Gatekeeper say Fuck.**

**Let the Gatekeeper say Fuck:** Well, this is quite an interesting name!

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** If I were to say the aforementioned word, what would happen?

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** if you said fuck lady rhea

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** id literally like

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** fucking die

**Thunder Catherine:** I’d ask where the real Lady Rhea was. I could never imagine you saying something so crass.

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** I’m going to say it.

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** Lady Rhea, please, no. For the love of the goddess, no.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** lady rhea ill fucking die please no

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** lady rhea oh my goddess

**Let the Gatekeeper say Fuck:** Lady Rhea, would it be wise to say that? Even if it would just be for the shock factor?

**Thunder Catherine:** Who are you and where is the real Lady Rhea?

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya: ** You know what? I’m about to say it.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** lady rhea please no goddess fuck no im dreaming im dreaming im dreaming

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** I don’t care that you broke your elbow.

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** did lady rhea just

**Rules McGee the Boomer:** You scared me, Lady Rhea. I was afraid you were going to say a word of the utmost rudeness.

**Thunder Catherine:** Goddess almighty, Lady Rhea. You really scared us!

**MILF (Man I Love Flirting):** you outvined us! i never thought i’d see the day!

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** I’m glad that I was able to surprise you.

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** Also…

**We’re All Children of Sothis Here, Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya:** fuck

**Let the Professor say Fuck:** LADY RHEA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys omg lady rhea said fuck


	25. Don't Worry It's the Golden Deer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group is just called Stoner Dimitri haha it's actually the Golden Deer doing exactly what you'd expect

**Stoner Dimitri**

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha is online.**

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie is online.**

**equestria girls but gay is online.**

**equestria girls but gay:** hhi everyine 

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Sup marianne hi claude

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** guys i have a hot question

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** also real quick marianne uve never changed ur name and i have an idea pls let me give it to u

**equestria girls but gay:** uhh su,re oikay ?

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha has changed equestria girls but gay’s name to Lesbian Rice.**

**Lesbian Rice:** whhy ricr

**Lesbian Rice:** i thoighy maybe hay woulf work

**Lesbian Rice:** becayse i likr hirses

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** idk

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** rice is just inherently funny

**lazy ass hoe is online.**

**lazy ass hoe: **hello baby hello claude hello everyone else

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** There was literally only one more person online in the group man

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** What am i chopped liver

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Jeralt would never stand for this

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** you like talk about jeralt all the time what the fuck

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** what is so cool about jeralt

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hes literally crusty

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** his beard is fire but hes crusty as hell

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** id never fuck jeralt

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** hes teachs dad thats fucking weird

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** Goddess almighty 

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I dont wanna fuck jeralt

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** too fucking late it was implied

**Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie:** I DONT WANNA FUCK JERALT

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** TOO FUCKING LATE

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha has changed Jeralt’s my dad, he’s my dad, boogie woogie woogie’s name to I WANNA FUCK JERALT.**

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** I DONT WANNA FUCK JERALT

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha: **yes you do

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** CHANGE IT CLAUDE

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** FUCKING CHANGE IT

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** CLAUDE CHANGE IT FUCKING CHANGE IT

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** C L A U D E

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** not until you say jeralt is unattractive and youd never fuck him

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** JERALT IS UNATTRACTIVE AND ID NEVER FUCK HIM

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** PLEASE JUST FUCKING CHANGE THIS

**I WANNA FUCK JERALT:** JERALT ISNT A WEIRDO AND ID NEVER DATE HIM

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** thank you leonie

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha has changed I WANNA FUCK JERALT to i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt).**

**i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt): **i have no fucking words

**i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt):** also im not a lesbian lmao

**i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt):** claude almost all of the golden deer are bisexuals

**i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt):** myself included

**i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt): **so why

**i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt):** i could like a man in the future

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i wanna surround myself with wlw and mlm couples 

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** maybe then i can find a partner

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** goddess im so lonely

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** marianne hilda tell me what its like 

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** what is it like having someone who loves and trusts you

**lazy ass hoe:** i havent even talked since i first came into the chat 

**lazy ass hoe:** but i love marianne

**lazy ass hoe:** her hair is great and her eyes are great and she always looks in shape and i get so happy when she smiles goddess above i love her

**lazy ass hoe:** i want her to live with me forever

**lazy ass hoe:** okay what the fuck

**lazy ass hoe:** goddess almighty that sounded creepy as hell

**Lesbian Rice:** hildaaaaa

**Lesbian Rice:** yiu havr to stop beign so nicw to me

**Lesbian Rice:** youte embarrasdinh me

**lazy ass hoe:** u deserve it

**lazy ass hoe:** i love u marianne

**lazy ass hoe:** i love u so much

**lazy ass hoe:** i wanna go and hug u and tell u how much i love u

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** what the fuck

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** i want this

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** now im sad

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** ughhh

**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** leonie date me out of pity

**i would never fuck a man (particularly jeralt):** no fucking way dumbass

  
**Haha don’t die you’re WAY too sexy aha:** goddess dammit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They still haven't changed the name oops

**Author's Note:**

> Updates daily! - On hiatus until NaNoWriMo is done!


End file.
